Tuesday, July 3, 2012

Project Terrible 7: Offspring (2009)

The Lost Boys should have stayed lost!  Today's film is Offspring, a movie about Cannibals...in Maine.  Yes, Maine- the home of every Stephen King story and a trilogy from Jack Ketchum.  If you don't know him, Jack Ketchum is to Horror Writing as Eli Roth is to Horror Cinema.  Jack's big thing is making gruesome, gruesome tales.  If the idea is to take the 'fun' out of Horror, that is certainly done!  He likes dark, gruesome tales about violent deaths and people who are forever scarred (mentally and physically).  This story is about some Cannibals living on the coast of Maine that decide to kill people because...um, evil or something.  I should point out that this is the middle part of the story & that the first part has not been adapted into a film.  The third one has been- it's the 2011 film The Woman- and I really hope that I don't get it from Maynard Morrisey next round.  Here's the actually fun part though: this movie is essentially the same tale as Beware! Children at Play, a film I've already done for Project Terrible.  Not only that, but it's Lead Actor is a man who was in a Project Terrible film I did last Round!  To find out who that is (and how brown this movie is), read on...
In some rough exposition, we learn that some Cannibal people are living in the Woods.  They are...dressed like The Lost Boys from Peter Pan.  Why?
Bodies that have been violently-dismembered- that's what this movie is about.  I hope that you enjoy this, audience.
After some tedious build-up (but with almost no character build-up), the Tribe surrounds the house and attacks.  At least they aren't wearing masks and trying to make this seem important.
Art Hindle- you're back!  That's right- the star of The Clone Master is here as a retired-Cop who...is pretty dull and bland.
The Tribe kills the only man in the House and captures the two women.

I'd say that it was for 'breeding stock,' but the movie makes a point of the lead female sort of being in charge.  I guess she's on board with this.  Feminism?
The Cops and Hindle- being the only one with guns so far- are taken out with extreme ease by two knife-wielding kids and the Alpha Male.  You got that nail through the eye because you just stood there and didn't shoot, dumb-ass!
Hindle, however, survives due to the deadly knife hitting his flask.  Drinking saves lives- pass it on!

He teams up with the kid- the lone escapee- and they plot to save everyone.  Two Cops couldn't do the job when they were alive, but I'm sure that you two will do it!
Well, they do.  However, Hindle dies when he's stabbed...again...in the same spot...but he dies because he didn't keep the flask there.  Our hero!

To really set the tone of the film , the final act of violence involves two Children.  The son manages to kill the last Feral Child with a Tomahawk.  Now you can grow up...to be a killer.
In not one, but two 'It's not over' Endings, the baby from earlier is still alive (in the Cave that the Police will surely check moments later) and Alpha Female is alive (after the Village Uncle randomly tries to kill her.  Until that other movie, it's The End.
Evil lives...as people covered in mud and dirt. Offspring is probably an interesting idea to write about, but the film version is bad. The Acting is dull, but also goes to 'bat-shit' insane levels at times too. It's more over the map than that one time I spilled coffee while driving. The movie, as a whole, is just an excuse to show people be cruel, violent and evil. Not only that, but the overabundant gore is just silly at times. In the scene where the first man is killed, one Feral Kid bites his shoulder, causing a fountain of blood to come out. One- your teeth can't be that sharp! Two- if the blood acted like that, his Blood Pressure must have been over 9,000! This movie is also the only one that I can think of in which a scene of a woman being 'eaten out' turns so literal. Well, aside from that one moment in the Rats: Night of Terror or that one scene in Python. Even really simple things turn out silly, like the fact that the family keep a bunch of soft boxes stacked outside their bedroom window (just so the Mother and Son can escape). I totally do that too- you never know! The whole thing just alternates between being dull, silly and gruesome. There's not even something funny here that I can take out of context for my Stinger. Instead, I'll just let you know that Art Hindle survives...
Next up, an extra Guest Review (I'll explain).  It's a film that's weird and obtuse to me, but apparently good to someone else.  Stay tuned...


  1. Good to see that you're honoring the true holder of the secrets of scientific discovery, the Beholder, with this round's banner. ^_^

    Oh, and that "ninja" guy, too.

  2. It helps that you post images in a nice, convenient size for making Banners, Bob. Plus, how could I resist?

    Make sure to give me some good fodder when you cover that Uwe Boll abomination...

  3. seems like you enjoyed it about as much me :-) terrible movie, I hated it. oh, and the sequel is... well, it's different but it isn't much better.

  4. I liked seeing Ketchum's work up on screen and I enjoyed Offspring to a point simply because he wrote it, but yeah, it wasn't so well executed (like almost all movies based on his novels are). I liked The Woman much better, though almost nobody else did!

  5. I like Ketchum a lot - and would hate to see a bad adaptation of one of his books.