This is the big one!
I went through my listings of the Worst Films of Previous Years to cherry pick the best of the worst. So many bad Films to choose from!
I can't guarantee that every Year will be represented in the final List, but they definitely got some contenders.
Dishonorable Mentions: Uli Lommel's Black Dahlia, We Are the Strange, Offspring, Beware! Children At Play, The New York Centerfold Massacre, Pocahauntus AND Dating A Zombie
19. The Fat Spy: A Film so bad that I kept it at home just to keep it out of circulation. I realize how little that helps, but I did it all the same.
It's an unfunny Comedy with bad Acting and it looks cheap. Bad Comedies are usually the worst things in the World. It's hard to imagine that Jane Mansfield did this, but somehow thought Hillbillys in a Haunted House was too bad.
18. The Skeleton Key 2- 667- Neighbor of the Beast: Will I ever go back to try and finish this? It has to be a Worst of the Worst one, maybe.
I tried watching the Film, but it gave you no setup for its weird nonsense. I remember a Genie. Lots of POV Exposition. It gets so pointlessly META while explaining nothing that I haven't touched it for 10 years!
For comparison, I have rewatched the #3 pick (to compare the Cuts) and the #2 pick (with Rifftrax).
17. Revenge of the Living Dead Girls: A knock off of something that wasn't actually that great- joy.
This is a faux Sequel to a French Horror Film. That one involved a woman dying, but coming back when exposed to chemicals and killing people. It inspired a Rob Zombie song.
This one has 3 ladies dying from drinking poisoned milk and killing people. On the plus side, it does hold historical importance as MY first Project Terrible Review.
16. The Human Race: A terrible Film and a bad pun- almost worth it!
This bizarre Film has an interesting (in theory) premise- run a race or die! It gets really dumb and morose with it, of course, ruining the whole thing. That's even before giant Angels (or something) show up...maybe.
15. Roar: If the ranking was based on how bad it was to shoot the Film, this would be #1.
A wrong-headed, right-hearted man wanted to show you that we could live and interact with jungle cats. As such, he made a Movie where his FAMILY was surrounded by these Apex Predators at all times. Many people were wounded, his Stepdaughter needed plastic surgery and Jan De Bont (yes, the guy from Twister) was scalped.
It's not even a very good Film regardless of this.
14. The Twilight Series: Low hanging fruit.
On one hand, I could have made this just a Dishonorable Mention. On the other hand, I watched all of the Films (out at the time) for Project Terrible and the other guy never did his Films. As such, I suffered alone for no reason.
13. Star Wreck: In the Pirkinning: A Film so bad I also made Bob watch it. I'm a good friend.
This is actually the 6th Film in a Series (which explains why the Plot is confusing), but the only one on DVD. It is a Parody of Star Trek and Babylon 5.
The Effects are mostly bad, but the Plot and Characters are just irredeemable, so why bother watching?
12. Old Mother Riley Meets the Vampire: The combo of Bad Comedy and sad performance by Actor who could do better.
In 1952, Bela Lugosi went to London to play Dracula again. The Play bombed and he was now 'stuck' in England. To pay for his trip home, he agreed to be the bad guy in this Film, wherein he'd riff on Dracula and his role in The Phantom Creeps.
He's fine in this. The Lead in Drag- clearly inspiring Tyler Perry- is awful and nothing else is good either.
11. Homoti: Project Terrible continues to live up to its name!
This is one of the many E.T. knockoffs, but also one of the worst. It is the 2nd Turkish E.T Film to boot! Its suit is terrible, its Plot is boring and it just kind of sucks.
Bonus- the YouTube upload only has Subtitles for the first 10 minutes.
10. Hobgoblins 2: The Sequel to a Film I'm paying to see in a Theater for the first time ever.
Whenever I get to see Rifftrax do Hobgoblins, it will be better than this. The Writer/Director is back due to 'every other Gremlins rip-off getting Sequels,' so we all get to suffer.
It's mostly a confusing rehash with slight updates- online dating in place of phone sex lines- and even less humor. On the plus side, I got to tell the Director on Facebook that I would willingly pay to get his Hobgoblins 3 Script and keep it from being made. Good times.
9. Astro-Zombies M3 and M4: I at least had company to suffer through these.
Decades after the original Astro Zombies, the late Ted V. Mikels came back for Mark of the Astro-Zombies. He got enough money/interest/moxie to make 2 more.
As Bob can attest, they are both confusing, sometimes boring messes of Films that call back to even more obscure stuff like The Doll Squad.
8. Live Freaky, Die Freaky: This was abusing Sharon Tate's legacy before it was cool!
This Dark Comedy is a claymation nightmare about the Sharon Tate/La Bianca Murders. You're supposed to laugh at this? They make Tate look awful here and I don't know why. It's tasteless and just not funny.
7. Psycho Shark: I suffer for you (and my own stupidity).
I thought that this would be trashy fun. The premise is that a bunch of Busty Models from Japan come up against a giant shark. Dumb, stupid fun.
The Movie is just them chatting, watching footage and laying around until the last 5 minutes. It is the longest 65 minutes of your life!
6. Mummy Maniac: A terrible tease and a terrible Film.
Another Project Terrible Film and this one manages to make you think it is going to be something else. A killer mummy?!? Nope- a boring, chubby guy who kills women in his storage locker over and over again...and wraps the bodies up in toilet paper.
My Review is the same shots over and over again...but they are from different parts in the Film!
5. Carl J. Sukenick's Alien Beasts: It is hardly a Movie, so it just barely escapes the upper spots.
If you wanted to see what would happen if someone with friends and alot of Meth tried to make a Spy Film, this is it. It has long pauses, long still frames, constant cuts to an old man named Abe 'watching the monitors' and more nonsense.
The drunk ramblings of a homeless man who just huffed a bag of paint to boot would be better than this!
4. The Time Machine (I Bought At A Yard Sale): Worst of the Worst was founded for this!
I had heard about this awful mess and didn't want to suffer alone. Thanks, Bob.
Found for free on YouTube (to serve as their Resume), this Film has amazingly-bad everything. A guy time travels...once and then finds a space ship. The Film actually has him FORGET that he has a Time Machine!
You probably couldn't make something this bad if you tried (and people have!).
3. Good-Bye, Uncle Tom/Addio Zio Tom: I feel like I keep picking on this one...and with good reason.
Important recap- the 2 Directors of Mondo Cane (and more) were called Racists who made Fake Documentaries. To silence their Critics, they made...a Fake Documentary about them seeing the Antebellum South. Wait, what?!?
I got crap from a guy for covering the wrong cut, but whichever one you see, it is bad. It is long, awful and bad.
2. Roller Gator: Why must I hurt myself so?!?
I heard about this Film in a Review of another Film. I thought- a Film about a talking/rapping purple Alligator puppet- hilarious!
The actual Film is shot on a handi-cam (with visible shutter) and features CONSTANT GUITAR MUSIC over the whole Film. It could be a fun train wreck of a Film if you didn't want to deafen yourself to escape the pain.
1. Actium Maximus- War of the Alien Dinosaurs: There's no topping this, right?
This one-and-done Film was seemingly-released by Troma as a joke to punish its Director. He had clear visions for a big, futuristic world of wonder and horror. He also only had like $20 and not enough friends to help.
It is long, bizarre and meandering. As a final bonus, it ends on Sequel Bait! Noooooooo!!!!
Here's to better Films from 2020 on.
Not likely though, is it?
I went through my listings of the Worst Films of Previous Years to cherry pick the best of the worst. So many bad Films to choose from!
I can't guarantee that every Year will be represented in the final List, but they definitely got some contenders.
Dishonorable Mentions: Uli Lommel's Black Dahlia, We Are the Strange, Offspring, Beware! Children At Play, The New York Centerfold Massacre, Pocahauntus AND Dating A Zombie
19. The Fat Spy: A Film so bad that I kept it at home just to keep it out of circulation. I realize how little that helps, but I did it all the same.
It's an unfunny Comedy with bad Acting and it looks cheap. Bad Comedies are usually the worst things in the World. It's hard to imagine that Jane Mansfield did this, but somehow thought Hillbillys in a Haunted House was too bad.
18. The Skeleton Key 2- 667- Neighbor of the Beast: Will I ever go back to try and finish this? It has to be a Worst of the Worst one, maybe.
I tried watching the Film, but it gave you no setup for its weird nonsense. I remember a Genie. Lots of POV Exposition. It gets so pointlessly META while explaining nothing that I haven't touched it for 10 years!
For comparison, I have rewatched the #3 pick (to compare the Cuts) and the #2 pick (with Rifftrax).
17. Revenge of the Living Dead Girls: A knock off of something that wasn't actually that great- joy.
This is a faux Sequel to a French Horror Film. That one involved a woman dying, but coming back when exposed to chemicals and killing people. It inspired a Rob Zombie song.
This one has 3 ladies dying from drinking poisoned milk and killing people. On the plus side, it does hold historical importance as MY first Project Terrible Review.
16. The Human Race: A terrible Film and a bad pun- almost worth it!
This bizarre Film has an interesting (in theory) premise- run a race or die! It gets really dumb and morose with it, of course, ruining the whole thing. That's even before giant Angels (or something) show up...maybe.
15. Roar: If the ranking was based on how bad it was to shoot the Film, this would be #1.
A wrong-headed, right-hearted man wanted to show you that we could live and interact with jungle cats. As such, he made a Movie where his FAMILY was surrounded by these Apex Predators at all times. Many people were wounded, his Stepdaughter needed plastic surgery and Jan De Bont (yes, the guy from Twister) was scalped.
It's not even a very good Film regardless of this.
14. The Twilight Series: Low hanging fruit.
On one hand, I could have made this just a Dishonorable Mention. On the other hand, I watched all of the Films (out at the time) for Project Terrible and the other guy never did his Films. As such, I suffered alone for no reason.
13. Star Wreck: In the Pirkinning: A Film so bad I also made Bob watch it. I'm a good friend.
This is actually the 6th Film in a Series (which explains why the Plot is confusing), but the only one on DVD. It is a Parody of Star Trek and Babylon 5.
The Effects are mostly bad, but the Plot and Characters are just irredeemable, so why bother watching?
12. Old Mother Riley Meets the Vampire: The combo of Bad Comedy and sad performance by Actor who could do better.
In 1952, Bela Lugosi went to London to play Dracula again. The Play bombed and he was now 'stuck' in England. To pay for his trip home, he agreed to be the bad guy in this Film, wherein he'd riff on Dracula and his role in The Phantom Creeps.
He's fine in this. The Lead in Drag- clearly inspiring Tyler Perry- is awful and nothing else is good either.
11. Homoti: Project Terrible continues to live up to its name!
This is one of the many E.T. knockoffs, but also one of the worst. It is the 2nd Turkish E.T Film to boot! Its suit is terrible, its Plot is boring and it just kind of sucks.
Bonus- the YouTube upload only has Subtitles for the first 10 minutes.
10. Hobgoblins 2: The Sequel to a Film I'm paying to see in a Theater for the first time ever.
Whenever I get to see Rifftrax do Hobgoblins, it will be better than this. The Writer/Director is back due to 'every other Gremlins rip-off getting Sequels,' so we all get to suffer.
It's mostly a confusing rehash with slight updates- online dating in place of phone sex lines- and even less humor. On the plus side, I got to tell the Director on Facebook that I would willingly pay to get his Hobgoblins 3 Script and keep it from being made. Good times.
9. Astro-Zombies M3 and M4: I at least had company to suffer through these.
Decades after the original Astro Zombies, the late Ted V. Mikels came back for Mark of the Astro-Zombies. He got enough money/interest/moxie to make 2 more.
As Bob can attest, they are both confusing, sometimes boring messes of Films that call back to even more obscure stuff like The Doll Squad.
8. Live Freaky, Die Freaky: This was abusing Sharon Tate's legacy before it was cool!
This Dark Comedy is a claymation nightmare about the Sharon Tate/La Bianca Murders. You're supposed to laugh at this? They make Tate look awful here and I don't know why. It's tasteless and just not funny.
7. Psycho Shark: I suffer for you (and my own stupidity).
I thought that this would be trashy fun. The premise is that a bunch of Busty Models from Japan come up against a giant shark. Dumb, stupid fun.
The Movie is just them chatting, watching footage and laying around until the last 5 minutes. It is the longest 65 minutes of your life!
6. Mummy Maniac: A terrible tease and a terrible Film.
Another Project Terrible Film and this one manages to make you think it is going to be something else. A killer mummy?!? Nope- a boring, chubby guy who kills women in his storage locker over and over again...and wraps the bodies up in toilet paper.
My Review is the same shots over and over again...but they are from different parts in the Film!
5. Carl J. Sukenick's Alien Beasts: It is hardly a Movie, so it just barely escapes the upper spots.
If you wanted to see what would happen if someone with friends and alot of Meth tried to make a Spy Film, this is it. It has long pauses, long still frames, constant cuts to an old man named Abe 'watching the monitors' and more nonsense.
The drunk ramblings of a homeless man who just huffed a bag of paint to boot would be better than this!
4. The Time Machine (I Bought At A Yard Sale): Worst of the Worst was founded for this!
I had heard about this awful mess and didn't want to suffer alone. Thanks, Bob.
Found for free on YouTube (to serve as their Resume), this Film has amazingly-bad everything. A guy time travels...once and then finds a space ship. The Film actually has him FORGET that he has a Time Machine!
You probably couldn't make something this bad if you tried (and people have!).
3. Good-Bye, Uncle Tom/Addio Zio Tom: I feel like I keep picking on this one...and with good reason.
Important recap- the 2 Directors of Mondo Cane (and more) were called Racists who made Fake Documentaries. To silence their Critics, they made...a Fake Documentary about them seeing the Antebellum South. Wait, what?!?
I got crap from a guy for covering the wrong cut, but whichever one you see, it is bad. It is long, awful and bad.
2. Roller Gator: Why must I hurt myself so?!?
I heard about this Film in a Review of another Film. I thought- a Film about a talking/rapping purple Alligator puppet- hilarious!
The actual Film is shot on a handi-cam (with visible shutter) and features CONSTANT GUITAR MUSIC over the whole Film. It could be a fun train wreck of a Film if you didn't want to deafen yourself to escape the pain.
1. Actium Maximus- War of the Alien Dinosaurs: There's no topping this, right?
This one-and-done Film was seemingly-released by Troma as a joke to punish its Director. He had clear visions for a big, futuristic world of wonder and horror. He also only had like $20 and not enough friends to help.
It is long, bizarre and meandering. As a final bonus, it ends on Sequel Bait! Noooooooo!!!!
Here's to better Films from 2020 on.
Not likely though, is it?
No comments:
Post a Comment