Friday, February 11, 2011

International Millennial Trash: Jaws in Japan

There are times that I hate you, Japan.  Many months back, I discovered the awesome pair of posters to a movie called Jaws in Japan.  I was thrilled.  About a month or so ago, I discovered that the film was being released in the United States- as Psycho Shark.  I was even more thrilled.  I waited in vain for Netflix to get the disc so that I could see it, but it didn't come.  I was upset.  In a moment of inspiration, I did a rare thing- a blind buy.  I was excited.  A few days later, I saw this movie.  I was pissed.  Why?  Well, there's plenty of time to get into that.  I'd rather discuss the...screw it, let's just get right to the shit.  Get your Bat Shark Repellent for my review of...
The film begins with five minutes of random small-talk and confusing Editing.  Essentially, a trio of bikini-clad women make small talk on the edge of a beach.  The first sign of this movie's small budget- it takes place on a strip of beach that's about 20 feet long and has no other people.  In a bit of Flash Editing, we suddenly see the people die...sort of.
The narrative switches to a pair of busty Japanese girls (good), who mostly just make small talk (bad).  I guess we're going for the 'natural dialog' thing, huh?  One of them wanders about and meets the owner of the tiny motel (sign #2 of the small budget), while the other discovers a tape under the bed.  She proceeds to just watch the tape.  Yea.
The next forty or fifty minutes pretty much just focuses on this.  It randomly cuts from the footage of the tape and some new stuff.  Mostly, it's just confusing.  I confused the hell out of my poor brother who didn't have the good sense to leave the room while I was trying to make sense of this shit.  Oh look, something interesting!
Never mind- it was a dream.  Nothing to see here...sadly.
Finally, something interesting happens for real this time as our heroines are cornered by the killers.  Out of nowhere, a shark shows up.  Other than a shadow before the credits and that fake-out above, this is his first appearance- 60 minutes into the film.  Sadly, the 3-D shark from Back to the Future, Part II looks more realistic!  In fact...
The shark attacks...sort of and suddenly jumps into the air.  Why?  How?  Who cares- something is freaking happening!  Give me something good, movie!
One of the women trips and seems to be in trouble.  Incoming!
You'd better move.  That thing is coming down.  Ooops- it's too late.  Now you're dead and...the movie is over.  65 minutes and this movie is over?  Bullshit!
I'd rather watch you watch this movie!  The plot of this movie...is not much of a plot.  It's too short films kind of squeezed together.  What's the point of this mess?  I mean, the plot is a trio of women go to a strip of beach...and get killed, I think.  One of them is definitely-killed, but the others...maybe are.  It's hard to be specific in regards to a movie that is so damn vague!  They think that Editing the movie in a flashy and confusing way, their movie is 'cool.'  It's not.  It just pisses me off.  A stupid, simple plot like this should be rendered so incomprehensible!  Nothing happens for about an hour and when it finally happens, it's goofy as hell!  On top of that, the silly scene just ends in a dark, abrupt manner...and then the movie ends.  You can't just do that, can you?  The bottom line- no matter how you feel, don't watch this movie!  It's awful.  It hurts.  It makes me want to question every awesome poster I see for the rest of my life.  I'll see a silly poster and go 'Yeah, it's probably just another piece of shit like Jaws in Japan.'  Way to ruin things for me!  Now there's the question of what I do with the DVD, since I, you know, own it.  For now, I'm just going to go in my room and do this...
Next up, the British give us a shitty, slasher film.  Good to see that you make it too, I guess.  Stay tuned...

1 comment:

  1. And to think.. I had such low hopes for the film...

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