Saturday, July 8, 2017

Worst of the Worst?: The Time Machine (I Found at a Yard Sale)

Consider this is a Sister Series to Project Terrible.  It is just me and Bob watching terrible stuff together.
This is famously-bad among certain Circles.  Basically, if you've heard of this one, you know that it is awful.  The Time Machine (I Found at a Yard Sale) is a 2011 Film that was uploaded for free on YouTube.  As best I can tell, this is their 'Resume' for potential Studios/Investors.  If it is some other reason, I don't know.  If this Film was supposed to make you want to hire them, it is a giant fail!  The Story know what, why don't I just skip right to it?  I lost 84 minutes to this thing, so I won't take any more of yours...
Our Hero goes to a Yard Sale.  He meets the Most Unrealistic Man in the World, who sells him a gold box for the $17 in his pocket.

Bear in mind that their Dialog is shown while they zoom in on the Box for 1 minute straight!
He proceeds to ride his Bike home (in nearly-real-time), sets the box down and then drinks some Orange Juice IN REAL TIME!
He discovers that the Box is actually a Time Machine- duh.  We see a snail move in sped-up motion and watch water go backwards as he narrates for the first and only time in the Film.

He decides to travel to Green Screen Los Angeles and decides to travel 'tens of thousands of years into the Future.'  Yep.
He meets up a bunch of Handmaids (colored by Prince) and stalks one of them until she agrees to travel 'tens of thousands of years further into the future.'  Why not?

This Shot of them could be either before or after their travel.  Apparently the Woods never change.
They stumble across a Space Ship!  Once they wander around in it, they hear a pre-recorded message (that sounds like the Most Unrealistic Man in the World).

Naturally, they travel into Space.  Yes, this is a Film about Time Travel alright!
After long, long bits where they just show you Stock Photos from NASA, they end up on a Planet with...this crap.

This is literally the worst CG Dinosaur that I've ever seen.  Think about that!
If you want to know about that Poster (the official one on IMDB), they stop on an Alien Planet (while helping the vague Resistance), meet some guy and watch this Belly Dancer.

Sadly, she's the best part.
While they travel through Space, they occasionally cut to this shot of green water in a toilet.  This shot lingers for a good 45 seconds.  They do it twice- with no clear reason why.
After getting stuck on a Planet, accepting imminent death and then REMEMBERING THAT THEY HAVE A TIME MACHINE, they meet his Parents, dick around in a Cave, find some Treasure and end on a Cliffhanger.

No, really.  Will they help the Resistance (who- mind you- is over 20 THOUSAND YEARS IN THE FUTURE)?  Who cares?  The End.
This is bad.  This is really bad.  This was so bad that we spend a good 20 minutes comparing it to other bad Movies we've watched in the past.  When you are almost looking wistfully at Actium Maximus, something is wrong!  I think Bob likes this *worse* than Freddy Got Fingered.  I know that I hate this one at least as much as stuff like Mummy Maniac and I Dated a Zombie.  This is worse than The Human Race.  You know what- this is worse than Psycho Shark!  That was boring as hell, but at least had sub-decent Actors in it and never forgot what their (terrible) Plot was!  On his worst day, Ted V. Mikels made dumb Films with a tangential Plot.  This goes from 'Ooh, a Time Machine' to 'Ooh, a Space Ship' within 20 minutes.  The Time Machine part is so forgotten that the Characters LITERALLY FORGET THAT THEY HAVE ONE!  If you're a Sadist or think that you can handle trash, watch this.  It will only cost you 84 minutes of your life and possibly your Sanity.  Don't watch it alone- I sure as hell didn't want to.  There's just so much 'what the hell?!?' to unload here that I don't truly do it justice even here.  Let's see what (if anything) Bob has to say about it.  As for me, I'll just enjoy some Classic Art.
We have at least one Worst of the Worst idea in the works.  Got any more?  Leave me a comment.

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