Project Terrible: Twilight

It's come to this, hasn't it?  Thanks to Carl over at I Like Horror Movies (who's totally spacing on his part due to moving or some crap), I watched the entire (so far) Twilight series.  It's time to share the pain with you all!  The plot of Twilight is...aw, who am I kidding?  If you care, you already know.  If you don't care, you probably still know it.  The film is based on a popular book series which...again, I'm sure that you know.  What you may not know is that this is a series that I was trying to avoid.  As you can see, my luck ran out.  As opposed to doing a straight review,- what's the point really?- I'll do it like my Ringu review and just present my thoughts and some questions raised by it.  No, the first question is not going to be 'why do they glow?'  It's stupid, but they just do!  In actuality, a related question will be raised when I cover the third film...but we'll get to that when it comes up.  Let's break dawn in reverse to check out the...

* Did you have to begin the film with pretentious narration?  Do all teenagers these days self-narrate?  Do I sound like an old man right now when I ask that?

* Get used to the sight of long, far-off stares...

* That can't possibly be the sex symbol for this modern era, can it?  He looks ridiculous with his reddish hair and pale skin.  Is this for real?!?

* It's notable that their 'romance for the ages' begins with her oggling him and him appearing to be sick at his stomach.

* I love how he saves her in broad daylight and in front of everyone.  What happened to being discreet?  Does nobody investigate the hand-shaped dent in the truck's door?

* Your vampire friends look nice.  I'm sure that they won't try to suck your blood in the next movie.

* Okay, seriously, stop staring like that!  You're beginning to look like a child molester!

* Vampire baseball- it's as silly as it sounds.  Take note of how much male-to-male contact is made in an attempt to impress Bella.  Mixed messages?

* I'm not sure if they made this ending 'romantic' enough?  Judge for yourself...

What can I say?  This movie is clearly not aimed at me.  This movie is aimed at girls who don't care about the plot as long as people act angsty and guys take off their shirts.  This just makes me sad though.  How far has the vampire sub-genre gone?  It began with Nosferatu, became scarier with Hammer films and is now...this?  The biggest problem is this: the movie is not really about vampires all that much.  The film begins with long narration and moody character development.  It eventually gets to the vampire stuff, but that's barely there.  I bet you could make a 'Vampire-Free' version of the film with very little editing!  All of the stuff you know about- the glowing vampires, the angst-filled dialog and the lack of focus on horror- is all there.  Aside from that, the movie is just kind of dull.  It's a problem that all three of the films face really, although the second and third films make attempts to cover it a little.  As you'll see, that presents problems of its own too.  This film takes no risks and gets very little reward.  Of course, if you're a fourteen year-old girl, you will ignore everything I just said...

Up next, the second film in the series.  Out with the old and in with the shirtless werewolves.  Stay tuned...