Friday, April 28, 2017

Triple B Flix: Malibu Express (1985)

At last, a Film that manages to make you bored with seeing boobs.  This is Malibu Express, the 1985 Film Debut of Andy Sidaris (provided you don't count his TV Movies or Seven).  He's famous for churning out a ton of cheap, sleazy Action Films through the 80s and 90s.  Well, I have a Box Set with 12 of his Films to get through!  His Films are famous as being Triple B- Bullets, Bombs and Boobs/Babes.  As I go through these, you may notice a pattern or two.  This is not the *official* start to his pseudo Franchise involving the L.E.T.H.A.L. Ladies, but it is close enough.  The Plot involves blackmail, murder, boobs and a random-ass Ending.  Sybil Danning is here in a 'Special Appearance' (despite being in about 6 Scenes), since she is the biggest Star here.  This Story is all sorts of strange and random.  Is this pure Exploitation or pure fun?  To find out, read on...
After some narration about our Hero that gives us some clunky exposition, Danning here seeks a Detective for a case.  Thankfully, the guy she asks is part of our Hero's Yacht Club!
Unfortunately, the Film introduces a Subplot involving the Buffington Family.  They are Comedy Hillbillies that keep challenging our Hero to a race.

They literally stop the Film cold.  Twice.
She hires our Hero after a night on the Town (in THAT dress) and sleeping with him.  Of course!
He infiltrates a rich Family with one thing in common- having sex with the Chauffeur.

On top of that, he's attacked by a trio of henchman working for some businessman who is working with one of the Daughters.  Random!
After trying to blackmail the Patriarch since he owed lots of money, the Chauffeur is shot by a mysterious person.  The Film is half over, so finally get the Plot going!
Our Hero works the case with a lady Detective.  They go to the victim's place and...have sex.

No, really.
Can our Hero rise above being awful to save the day and solve the mystery?
As it turns out, the Chauffeur took a picture of his killer and it seems to be...that young Daughter.

In her defense, she was sort-of raped by him.  However...
He doesn't think that she could have done it.  He goes to see Sybil Danning and...

She exposition dumps via tape recording that she did it since the Chauffeur was actually going to see Missile Secrets to the Russians.  He can't prove it, but the lady is free anyhow and he goes on Vacation.  The (huh?!?) End.  
What a random-ass Film.  This Film was Written, Produced and Directed by the late Sidaris.  As such, he had 100% control of the Story and Cut.  That actually explains a lot!  This Story somehow involves a P.I. with Daddy Issues, a Racecar Driver, Hillbilly Races, Spies, Boobs, Extortion, Shooting, Fighting, more Racing and, finally, some Mission: Impossible stuff.  As part of Danning's cover, the tape plays and then explodes when completed, plus the mask she used to look like the other Lady melts on cue...somehow.  Our Hero's only evidence of innocence for the lady is that she had to be left-handed for one part of the crime and the real one is right-handed.  Would we even need the Innocence Project if it was that easy?!?  Yes, I did just reference a Death Row Defense Initiative in an Andy Sidaris Film!  The real Star of this Film- boobs.  They are just everywhere.  Our Hero has sex with Danning, hangs out with two Penthouse Models on his Boat, sleeps with a Detective, witnesses evidence of earlier Nudity, gets flashed by a Mechanic and ultimately gets saved by the Driver flashing her tits for the 300th time.  Two things- one flashing is literally done in the back of a shot with no focus on it.  Second, that Mechanic lady is greeted by our Hero, asks for something fast and she flashes him, explaining that SHE is the fastest thing in the Desert.  Yes, a man did Write this.  Aside from being chock full of pointless Nudity, bad Humor and so-so Writing, Express is...pretty forgivable as dumb entertainment.  Plus, it gives us the best non-Bond name for a Lady EVER...
Next up, the first official Sidaris Film in the Series.  More Boobs, Bombs and Bullets!  Stay tuned...

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