Monday, December 29, 2014

Rare Flix: I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle

Yes, this is a real Film.  No, I'm not joking.  It's real and it's...ridiculous.  No beating around the bush: this is a weird-ass movie!  Today's Film is I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle...and that's all I can say.  What can you say?  It is about a Vampire Motorcycle.  I've heard of killer vehicles (e.c. Christine, etc) and weird Vampires (e.c. Aswang), but never together.  This is a weird piece of Film History.  The question: is it good?  That's...something to be discussed.  The Story involves a weird, occult ceremony, a killer bike and lots of murder.  It is difficult to make alot of sense with this one, but do bear in mind that it is a Comedy.  That is not an excuse to not bother to write a logical Story, mind you, but it does mean that you have to treat the Film *a little* differently.  You really want to know more about this one, don't you?  To find out, read on...
A strange, occult Ceremony occurs in England and a man is killed on a motorcycle there.  Blood drips into the Fuel Tank and a creature is born.
The bike is later sold to this guy on the left and he plans to repair it.  Little does he know how dangerous it really is!
Things don't work out for those around him.  For example, his best friend (in blue, above) is killed!
He also gets in a fight with a gang in a Bar that escalates to include swords!  How does that happen?
The bike separates from our hero- after his girlfriend tries to order some Garlic Prawns- and goes on a killing spree.  He takes out the bikers (in silly fashion), a random lady (future Poor Bastard of Cinema?) and a Meter Maid with...this.
Our hero finally seeks a Higher Power (not Vince McMahon)- C3PO!  Okay, it is actually Anthony Daniels (the Actor who played the Character) as this Priest who is quite agreeable.
Their first exorcism attempt fails and the bike seeks a new target: the girlfriend.  He can now suck your blood properly (as well as a bike can, anyhow).  Go ahead- analyze this!
The group- now joined by a comedic Detective- comes to the rescue, but who will rescue them?
Ultimately though, they manage to destroy the bike and live happily ever after...until the natural bit of Sequel Bait.  The End.
This...sure was something.  What else can I say?  Alright, let me see what I can do.  A Vampire Motorcycle.  What's next- a Zombie Fisherman?  Oh right- I watched that movie too.  It is silly.  It is very silly.  The Film has a silly idea and just goes for it- for better or for worse.  The Special Effects are alright, but there are some obvious Camera Tricks used to make this work.  The Film is definitely not big-budget and it certainly shows at times.  The Film also goes off on weird diversions- like a random, gross-out Dream Sequence- and is arguably too silly at times.  There are some bits they seem to love doing- like playing the same Musical Sting when they show a Crucifix- and you will certainly either love or hate them.  This Film has its tongue planted so far in its cheek that it is poking out the side!  It is really, really damn goofy!  I don't mind this kind of thing, but I know that many of you do.  If you can't get past the over-the-top concept and execution, this Film does nothing to sway you.  Some of you will love this crazy shit, but the rest of you will just be like this...
Next up, I play catch-up on some Movies given to me in 2014.  First up, a French Sci-Fi Cartoon- need I say more?  Stay tuned...

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