Merry Deathmas: The Children (2008)

Are you ready for a bleak and bloody Christmas?  If so, keep reading.  If you want silly fluff, I'll just direct you back to Christmas Bounty.  The Children is a 2008 Film from the After Dark Horrorfest that attempts to one-up Who Can Kill A Child?  This is not to be confused with Come Out and Play (the recent Remake), nor should it be mixed up with 1980's The Children.  So, you may have guessed what this Film is about.  That's right: killer Children.  Is it wrong that I have yet to find any of these things scary.  Is it because I don't have kids?  Maybe.  In this Film, a pair of Families get together at a nice Cabin (in the Woods) and anarchy starts.  Something is making the kids sick (which the Parents don't see?!?) and they are planning something evil.  Can 1,000 close-ups of a blank-eyed kid substitute for terror?  To find out, read on...

It is Christmas time (or Boxing Day) for these families.  I hope they get a leg lamp!

Something is up with their kids.  These Parents of the Year somehow don't see anything wrong with this kid and never ask him what's wrong.  They...suck.

What is making the kids sick?  Why does it make them killers?  Why do I ask questions in Horror Films that think that mystery is a substitute for good writing?

In spite of everything strange going on, this is a Christmas Film so everything will work out.  Right?

Wrong!  People die!

Merry Christmas everyone!

In one inexplicable moment, a kid tricks the mother into climbing up the Monkey Bars (even though she can reach him from the ground!) in heels.  Another kid pushes her leg and a 2-inch fall inexplicably shatters her leg!

Even for Mr. Glass, that is just silly!

While it is somewhat realistic for the adults to not think that the kids could kill, it means that the Film drags and repeats...ALOT!

So if you like bickering, random gore and assholes talking mean to each other forever, this Film is for you!

Oh and if you think that this is remotely-scary.

As for me, I'll stick with Silent Night, Deadly Night.  The End.

Yeah, I was not a fan of this.  The best word to describe this one: unpleasant.  The concept is dark, the execution is bleak and there are so few likeable Characters.  It is one of those 'everyone starts acting like assholes' Films that people seem to keep making.  Who likes that kind of stuff?  Who would like this Film?  So if you hate all of the Character, an interesting Killer/Killers can make up for it right?  That's certainly true (to some), but this Film doesn't even give you that.  Some of the kids try to look menacing, but just kind of look like they took too much ADHD medication.  Staring is not inherently-scary, guys.  So if I don't like the Characters, don't find it scary and don't like the Plot, what is there?  British Accents and one interesting Character don't a Film make.  So, in summary, if they had changed nearly everything about this Film, I might have liked it.  As it is, it is the Film equivalent of one of those terrible Sweaters you get from Aunts you've never met.  Merry Christmas!

Up next, I'll keep the British trend going with some post-Holiday Horror.  You have never regretted a bike purchase more than this guy!  Stay tuned...