Friday, December 25, 2009

Yuletide Crap: Feeders 2- Slay Bells

I really regret having seen this movie- as my friends can attest- and I want to save you the trouble. You could just stop here, but you would not realize why I hate it so much. As I stated in my original review from a couple of years ago, the movie is chock full of comedic potential. However, the filmmakers 'smothered their potential like a bag full of kittens.' A harsh metaphor, but very fitting one for this movie. The film is the brain-child of low-budget horror auteurs Mark and John Polonia, the latter of whom died in 2008. Even so, I will still not hesitate to stick it to them, especially considering that both of them also act in the movie. To give you a proper perspective, their films include The House That Screamed, Night Crawlers and Peter Rottentail. Yeah, this is going to hurt. This is the cinematic travesty of...
The movie begins, for some reason, in black and white. This is not a promising start for a movie made in 1998! The man is being interrogated by an unseen person and explaining that the aliens came and killed everyone. For no clear reason, we cut to color footage of an alien spaceship...or rather a crappy CG model of one. It makes a bunch of lights flash and some tiny aliens end up in the basement of the house. These are the worst aliens you will ever see in your entire life. The sad thing is this: they are the funniest part of the movie. These things are so hilariously-bad that you will wish they were the whole movie. Sadly, you have to watch Actium Maximus for that kind of film. Instead, the movie focuses on a family of people who have zero personality or charisma. The father is played by John Polonia, whose acting makes me wish I had died of a sudden heart aneurysm and not him! The wife is played a family friend, since she also appears in the original Feeders. How do I know this? Because the movie shows us her scenes, including the one where she dies, in the flashback parts! This hurts.
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For all you who mock Silent Night, Deadly Night 2's use of stock footage for padding really need to see this movie (plus The Human Robot vs. the Aztec Mummy) for some perspective. At what seems like random, we get black and white flashbacks to the first film, as told by the man who 'survived it.' I should also mention that the original film ends with the Earth being blown up a la Save the Green Planet. This is both jarring and annoying. Case in point: a flashback showing the film's other protagonist, who is played by John Polonia. They never bother to address why he is a different person here or why he too dies! Unfortunately, the film also sticks to its real plot involving the man going to work, becoming interested in UFOs and being yelled at by his boss. These scenes really drag the film down...even lower than it already is by being immensely stupid and boring. There is a level of bad acting that is funny, but this film shoulder checks its way past that marker and just causes pain. In summary, Ed Wood acting = funny, Polonia Brothers acting = utter shit. By the way, the aliens show up and kill some random people in a warehouse. No, it adds nothing.
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At this point, you are asking yourself why I ever rented this at all. Allow me to explain: Santa fights aliens with a laser gun. That premise alone is enough to lure most people to this film, where they will meet their untimely death. The siren's song of silliness here is ruined in execution by the movie. In short, you have to wait until the end for any of the good stuff. Santa's tiny model sleigh- complete with strings- is shot down by the aliens because...um, they feel like it. He gets to the family home for safety and must battle the creatures. If you thought that the monster attacks in Attack of the Killer Shrews was bad, wait until you see people having puppets thrown at them in this movie. Fortunately, Santa has an answer for the tiny aliens and their annoying sound effects: a laser gun. He blasts them with his gun via some of the worst special effects ever and chases them off. For the grand finale, he teleports a present up to their ship and blows them up. Ho ho holy crap, this had better be the end. Thank God- The End.
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I have regretted many rentals in my life (Sex Medusa, Blood Freak, etc), but none as much as this. It is one of the worst films ever made for every reason you can think of. Bad production values- check. Bad script- check. Acting so bad that it blemishes the word- big check! On top of that, it does not have the decency of at least being funny. Many of these movies at least have their moments. Hell, even Blood Freak managed to do the bit where the man's leg gets cut off, but the table is covered in blood before it happens! In terms of painfulness, this movie is on par with One Million AC/DC, although without any drug-addicts humping in it. The actual story of the film is bad enough, but they felt the need to splice in the first movie as filler. If I wanted to watch Feeders, I would...why they would I want to do that again? Rent anything else but this movie and have a Merry Christmas!
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Up next, I celebrate the post-Holiday time in the way that everyone does- with a Japanese film about a werewolf. I'm not weird, am I? Stay tuned...

2 comments:

  1. After the shitstain PSYCHO SANTA and SATAN CLAWS there is no fucking way I am ever picking up another Sub Rosa film. Ever. Garbage. Thanks for covering this one though, rather than review it myself Im linking to you on my Holiday Horror list

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  2. It's alright. One less person who has to watch 'Feeders 2' the better. More power to you for avoiding it.

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