You can sometimes set your expectations properly just by reading a movie title. You get a movie called Frankenhooker (which I will when it is back in print) and know what to expect. In a similar way, this movie tells you everything you need to know. The bulk of the plot is solely built around the idea of the mythical Greek- or Roman here- character walking around the big city. In case you don't know, this movie is also the debut film of one Arnold Schwarzenegger. There were a couple issues at the time with casting him though. First off, that last name had to go. Good-bye Schwarzenegger, hell Strong. Secondly, that voice was way too hard to understands, so hello voice-dubbing...but only for him. Just to add to the weirdness, his co-star is a nebbish character actor named Arnold Stang- his actual name, mind you. As much as I want to stall, I can't put off my review of...
The story begins on Mount Olympus...in spite of the film being too cheap to give us an establishing shot of it...with Zeus having to deal with his half-God son. Basically, the guy is bored in Central Park...er, Mount Olympus and wants to go to Earth. The dad says 'no,' so Hercules...asks him 600 more times. Finally, dad gets so mad that he throws a bent piece of tin-foil...er, a lightning bolt at his son. No effect later and Hercules is seen falling alongside a plane window. To review- Hercules makes his dad mad by demanding to be allowed to go to Earth, so his dad blasts him to Earth. Our hero is picked up by a cargo ship and taken aboard. Being a mindless sack of meat, he proceeds to tell everyone that he is Hercules and should be in charge of everything due to his genetic background. He fits in really well. This only works because our sailor are so poorly-written that they just assume he is a Greek man, in spite of his thick Austrian accent. Plus, no Greek person I've ever met as ever looked that Aryan. Anyhow, he acts like a jerk to everyone. This is going to be a long film, isn't it?
*
Back on the shore, he picks a fight with the crew again and is pulled to safety by a small, Jewish man who sells pretzels. After a wacky bit with a cab driver picking a fight with the man who is a giant, knotted muscle, our jerk of a hero is given a tour of the city. They walk by a park and Hercules laughs at people training for Olympic sports like the discus. He decides to show them up, proving that he is not exactly a nice guy. Incidentally, I watched the 'un-dubbed' version, so I had to deal with Arnold's mumbled delivery, making this even more fun. A coach and his daughter scout him, although the idea of him being an Olympian vanishes faster than a bottle of HGH around this day's Arnold. After beating up her boyfriend twice, the woman falls for Hercules, based solely on his looks. Why is the bad Jewish stereotype the most reasonable character here? The first date with Hercules ends with the strongman battling an escaped bear- which runs on two legs for no reason. In case you had not guessed, this is a man in a suit that would look more fitting in a Conan O'Brien skit from 1998. All the while, the other Gods are watching Herc via a crystal ball. Thanks for grounding me, stupid cliches.
*
Back in Park Olympus, Zeus decides to pressure Hercules to come back. Mercury is sent down, but can't convince our steroid-ridden hero. Angry, the King of the Gods sends Nemesis down to take Hercules to Hades for 100 years. She is stopped by Hera, however, who makes her steal the man's strength. Around this time, Hades makes a big bet on a weight-lifting challenge between Hercules and a black strongman. Ah the 1970s, where variety shows could get away with featuring weight-lifting challenges. Bereft of his powers, Hercules fails to dead-lift a 1,000 lb bar, although the other guy does! That is still the most logical part of the film. Since the gangsters lost money by betting on Hercules, they chase him in broad daylight to kill him! This gives us the movie's signature chase scene involving two cars, a chariot driven by Herc, a man dressed like Tarzan and a hot dog vendor with a hand-full of sauerkraut. Wow, did I just write that? It all culminates in a badly-choreographed fight scene, which turns against our hero. Fortunately, Mercury turns the tide by sending in some back-up: Atlas and Samson. Wait, did I just say 'Samson?' Yeah, they went there. Our hero decides to return to Olympus and leaves everyone behind. The film ends with Zeus making the trip himself. The End.
*
Yeah, it's no wonder that Arnold tries to downplay this film. It's bad, mostly in an un-amusing way. Don't get me wrong- there are some laughs to be had. However, a good majority of them are built around Arnold delivering lines, so they're a bit hard to distinguish. To the DVD's credit, you can watch the movie in the original form, with Arnold dubbed in English, in French, German or Spanish. However, this movie is still a really badly-done comedy full of bad actors. Arnold looks the part of the muscular hero, but has an easier time passing a budget in California than attempting to act in this movie. He spends most of the movie being a jerk, which is supposed to be alleviated by one speech at the end. Why does he have so many friends? On top of that, the 'fights' are about as well-choreographed as your local backyard wrestling show full of stroke victims! That said, I don't regret watching this movie. It's a big pile of fluff that does not aim high. That's good, because they don't even get close to that.
*
Up next, a b-movie that combines beatniks, Nazis and Gilligan's Island. Stay tuned...
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