Vampires Suck: Modern Vampires

When was this 'Modern' exactly?  Today's film is Modern Vampires, a film that brings together some of the Elfman clan.  After Forbidden Zone, I can see why they rushed to make this film...19 years later.  Don't rush on my account, guys!  This film is a Vampire Comedy, something that is not a great idea.  I mean, how good is the track record on those?  I won't go negative on this film just yet, especially given the relative star power involved.  Casper Van Dien, Craig Ferguson, Kim Catrall and Udo Kier are here to show what kind of bad choices one can make.  Sorry- I'm doing it again.  To find out if my hatred is unfounded, read on...

Here's a quick summary: Vampires are real and working in Los Angeles.  They're not public knowledge, however, which is a fact that's hurt by this random Vampire lady killing people so blatantly all the time.

 The main Vampires- Katrall, Ferguson and others- are a bunch of snooty assholes.  They also kill random humans and hide their crimes.  I'm sure that I can totally relate to these characters.

Speaking of which, Van Helsing (Rod Steiger) is the only guy who is trying to stop the Vampires and save humanity.  Naturally, he's the most-ridiculed guy in the movie.

Oh and this is a Vampire Hotel.  Speaking of odd things...

 

...how can they have a night club full of kidnapped humans right in the middle of Los Angeles?   Nobody checks the place in the day?  Nobody notices a link between all the disappearances?  Nobody stakes out the place and sees dozens of the same people in there every night- the same people who are absent during the day?

 You get my point, I think.

The Painter from Murphy Brown is 'The Count.'  I guess there could be worse Draculas, but this is just silly.

Speaking of silly, Van Helsing hires a black 'gangsta' to help him kill Vampires.  Naturally, since black people = comedy.  That's a fact!

Fun (read:creepy) fact: Vampires have sex by constantly biting each other.  Ew...I think.

Do I still hate these characters?  Yes, thank you for asking.

Remember that plot point from Blood Red Moon in which Vampirism was an STD?  Well, it came from this movie, in which some 'gangstas' go 'family style' on a transformed Kim Catrall- or as she calls its 'Tuesday.'

The whole thing boils down to a pretty sub-par finale at the club from earlier.  Yes, this movie only has about five sets- thank you for noticing.

Oh and The Count only dies after getting staked about 10 times and being lit on fire.  That's obviously in canon.

As for our Vampire heroine, she gets every (evil) things she wants.  She gets to be with Dallas, has a Vampire friend and even makes peace with the newly-Vampiric gangstas.  You know- the guys who killed all of her other friends about 3 hours ago.

As for the film's now-villain (read:hero)?  He is turned into a Vampire by Dallas and left to suffer.  Hurray?  The End.

I'm not laughing!  I'm sorry, but this movie just sucks.  I love a good Dark Comedy.  Hell, one of my favorite shows of the last decade is Drawn Together, a show that regularly made horrible, offensive jokes about every single minority group that ever existed!  So it's not that I was shocked or offended by the content at its base.  The problem is that this film is just dark, weird imagery with no jokes.  In other words, it's Postal.  It's nowhere near as bad as that Uwe Boll film, but you get my point.  I should also point out that the Soundtrack alternates between being good- due to Danny Elfman- and a bit annoying.  Remember that weird 'retro-rock' trend from the '90s?  Surf Rock was back and Brian Setzer had a revival?  If so, you'll recognize that this movie's soundtrack is rooted in that time.  If you were annoyed with this trend (or just felt that it ran its course- like I do), then this soundtrack will be annoying sometimes.  Ultimately, this film is a confused mess.  What do you think, Director cameo?

Next up, random crap highlighted by events and a holiday.  First up, Coolio fights Pterodactyls with a shoulder-mounted missile launcher.  Stay tuned...