Monday, June 25, 2012

Horror Crap-llection: Zombie Dearest

Schedules, schmedules.  The final film in the Midnight Horror Collection Vol. 2 is Zombie Dearest.  Well, Demonic Toys 2 actually is, but I already did that one.  First, the good stuff.  It's not Australian, it's not about hiking, it's not about pointless jump scares and it's not about bad green screen ghosts.  Hell, it also doesn't include racist puppets, demons in wells and giant, evil bongs.  Now, the bad stuff.  It's not very good.  It's a comedy that's not very funny.  It's a horror film that doesn't ever really scare.  Can it succeed in spite of these flaws?  No, not really.  To read about it anyhow, read on...
The film begins by introducing us to our two leads.  One is a super-serious businesswoman.  The other is a guy that is a cross between Jason Segel and Joe Manganiello from True Blood.  He makes this dignified introduction here...

She leaves him- for a vaguely-good reason- and moves back home.  He follows her.  She agrees that they'll stay together if, for all purposes, he'll be her house slave. 

Seriously, she says that they'll stay together...if he does nothing but fix up the house.  Ouch.
Does this random flashback of her Aunt digging in the yard prove important?  Of course it does.

As it turns out, they killed a handyman and buried him in the yard.  While digging up the septic tank, our hero accidentally brings it to life...via magic.  That's a new one, movie!
Our hero takes the whole 'zombie' thing pretty well, since there's manual labor to do.  No, really.
The wife is a bit shocked at first, but, eventually, gets on board because, you guessed it, there's manual labor to do.
Skipping ahead (you're welcome), our hero is bitten by the zombie and begins to turn...while doing his Caveman Stand-Up Schtick.

Question: Is it still a Zombie when you use 'pixie dust' to bring a corpse back to life?  It's a gray area IMHO.
Just to really say 'screw you' to the audience, the film pulls out a Chekhov's Gun and gives us a Status Quo Ante, undoing the entire film.  Now I really feel like I wasted my time.  The End.
Better late than this crap.  I'm sorry- this movie sucks.  I know that it was obviously a labor of love...but it sucked.  To start, it's not that funny.  The jokes are usually telegraphed from a mile away or just seem random.  This is often a Mad Libs-style script when it comes to character development.  Our hero is a wannabe ______ who does _____ about _____.  In this case, he's a wannabe comic who does jokes about Cavemen.  They tried a show about that once & it didn't end well.  As a comedy, there are no real scares here.  This one at least has horror elements- as opposed to Deadfall Trail- but still feels like an odd addition to the Midnight Horror Collection.  I expect a bunch of slasher films/creature features/ghost stories.  Do I expect a random horror-comedy that is full of emotional character moments (which I don't care about)?  There is a good movie buried in all of this crap, but I defy anyone to dig their way through it to get there.  Take us away, pointless stand-up comedy...
Next up, a week of slasher/horror films that may or may not suck.  First up, a WWE wrestler in a film far worse than he deserves.  Stay tuned...

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