Tuesday, June 5, 2012

Vampires Suck: Bram Stoker's Dracula: The Love Story- To Die For

This title is not long enough!  Seriously, this movie's title is a good metaphor for what's wrong with it.  It's a good start, but falls apart as you get further along.  Let's get this out of the way- this is barely a Dracula film.  The lead guy is Dracula- NON-SPOILER- and many of the characters are analogs for those from the book, but that's about it.  It takes some odd directions from there and doesn't involve any of the story being told via letters.  The latter is not the biggest loss, mind you, but you get the point.  I should also mention that this film is set in Los Angeles, since so many low-budget films are.  To find out where this long-titled movie goes wrong in so many ways, read on...
Our heroine is named Kate- not Mina- and meets an intriguing man at a party.  What else can explain this odd look on her face?
Yes, this is our Dracula.  He has all of the exotic charm of Bela Lugosi.  By Bela Lugosi, of course, I mean Jonathan Silverman.
Outside of the party, this man dies in his car at the hands of, I'm guessing, some sort of Werewolf.  Remember that part in Bram Stoker's Dracula.

Oh and, in the long run, this and other deaths amount to nothing.
Instead of the man helping Dracula look for a house, our heroine does.  Oh- what a twist!  Oh and her roommate is clearly Lucy, even if she's not called that.
 The real divide in the story comes from this guy on the right.  At first, he appears only to Vlad, making me think that this is a Fight Club situation.

Well, he's not.  He's, well, another Vampire who is following Vlad around and wants to ruin his life.
As you can see, they don't get along.  Rawr.
"Gee, I'm sorry that my Detective character is entirely pointless to the plot.  Oh and sorry for your friend being killed by a Vampire/Werewolf.  I'm just Nash- useless Detective."
That whole build-up to the fight between Vlad and the other Vampire.  It's over in about thirty seconds.

Pay-off- what's that?!?
Oh and Vlad decides to kill himself since him and Kate can't be together.  Naturally, his eyes disappear when his body begins to melt in the sunlight.

I'd say that this is The End, but there's a sequel out there.  The End.
Wake me up when I'm supposed to care.  Seriously, this film is dull.  The only conflict is the lead guy yearning to get back with our heroine after she falls for Vlad, while Not Lucy is obsessed with Vlad too.  Throw in the random Vampire guy and you have the entirety of the film.  The other Vampire is pretty much there to create a bunch of kills that are sure to fill out the Trailer and that's it.  The make-up effects related to him and Vlad's transformed states are neat, even if they are a bit inexplicable.  The former seems to vary between being a more monstrous Vampire and just being a Werewolf.  Vlad, on the other hand, is a very minor change...for some reason.  Consistency is all I ask for.  The film is just full of filler, unfortunately, making this very basic plot take longer than it should.  I would like to recommend this film more, but I really can't.  Even this cameo by the Black Swan can't save this dull, dull movie...
Next up, an early film at the hands of Fangoria.  Will this Vampire film tweak the rules too much or just enough?  Stay tuned...


  1. If you think that title is unwieldy - check out the sequel's: Son of Darkness: To Die For II!

    And I'm with you - that is one of the most miscast Draculas in the history of Draculas. He takes the crown from contenders Zandor Vorkov, Geordie Johnson, and Ronn Moss.

    Not a fan of the movie - except for the same random bits you kind of enjoyed.

  2. I actually want to see the sequel, especially considering that it has only two returning stars and is about a vampire baby.

    Sadly, the only thing I can find ATM is the awesome VHS box art. I've actually had that picture saved for a long time, but had no context as to what it was a sequel to. Now I know!

    As far as miscast Draculas, there's always the flip-side with Andrew Bryniarski aka Leatherface. Clearly a 300lb man should play the classical Dracula!