Thursday, June 14, 2012

DTV Crap: The Witch's Sabbath

How have I been ignoring this movie for so long?  Seriously, this piece of crap has been in my house for at least a year and I haven't reviewed it.  Here's the thing: my father bought this.  Yeah, he does that sometimes.  Anyhow, I finally got around to this film and boy, does it suck!  It's got it all- boobs, murder and Satan (kind of).  As a bonus, it features a pointless cameo by Ron Jeremy.  I guess he took time from having his killer penis on the loose to appear in this movie.  This movie is a sight to behold, a cliche that I admittedly overuse.  This movie is pure trash, but you can't help but laugh at it.  To see more stripping than character development, read on...
The film begins In Media Res, which is about the only artsy thing about this crap.  Quick- puppet show!
Two schmucks get invited to a Halloween party at a house just North of Bad Computer Sky Effects Boulevard.  They get killed...but only after lots of boobs.
In The Abominable Dr. Phibes, Anton Feust uses Phibes playing the organ with his Clockwork Band as Act Breaks.  In The Witch's Sabbath, they use boobs.  They also just throw them in randomly.

Bonus points for terrible Editing that cuts to a brunette stripper seconds after establishing a blond one...and then cutting back to the original one.  Brilliant!
Random Flashback!  Sorry, but this movie just feels like doing this, so why don't I?
Ron Jeremy has a cameo as a Bible Salesman named *sigh* Craven Moorhead.  He dies, but only after wasting five minutes of screen time.

Why did Bob get the *good* horror film with Ron Jeremy in it?  Drat.
 The villain of the movie wears a dominatrix, only with her boobs hanging out.  If those balloons were any bigger, they could make an old man's house fly!
I'll save you a lot of filler- mostly stripping and random death- and just skip to the End.  Our heroes are invited for a party at the house- cue silly costumes.
A bunch of random shit happens- including the death shown at the beginning- and the Witches, this thing.  Save us, Cthulhu!
With everyone dead, our heroine becomes evil, flashbacks or something.  It's over, okay- just go with it.  The End.
It's glorious, glorious crap.  This movie is pure crap, but it's the kind that you can really laugh at.  Unlike Pterodactyl, it's plot is a bit harder to follow.  If you're going to approach this film in a classical sense, the pacing is a bit off.  Our heroes don't really factor into the tale until about halfway in.  It's almost like they shot a streamlined version of the film...and then realized that it didn't fill 80 minutes.  How do you make it longer? By adding more stripping, more random killing and other crap like that.  Seriously, a lot of this factors in so very, very little.  An Undercover Cop killed in the Strip Club?  Not important.  A Waitress at said Club killed for no good reason?  Not important at all.  Even the introductory sequence is not important in the long run, save for setting up the scenario you'll see later.  Between that and the In Media Res opening, a good fifteen minutes is killed.  Good golly, Ms. Molly!  If you like cheap, Direct-to-DVD crap, you'll love this movie.  It's so bad that I love it.  If you're going to see any film involving Witches that strip and worship a giant face in the wall, make it this one.  What do you think, poorly-covered Budweiser logo?
Next up, I celebrate 1,800 posts with a movie I've been dying to see.  It's Versus meets The Machine Girl in some wacky-ass action!  Stay tuned...

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