Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Slasher Crap: See No Evil (w/ Kane)

Here's a secret: I really like Kane.  For those of you who don't know, Kane is a WWE Wrestler who is gigantic (billed at 7' and 300 lbs), evil (he once jump-started a man's balls) and scary (dark red attire, evil mask, fire).  I even like him so much that I once played as him in an online, text-based wrestling game.  It's a bit silly to me now, but I did it so that I could write evil Kane promos at a time when the real-life Kane was bogged down in crappy stories.  When he was given a movie in 2006, I was happy for him.  Unfortunately, this too turned into an angle- sigh.  In See No Evil, Kane plays an evil killer who stalks a Hotel.  As such, he was inexplicably turned evil again in the WWE and kept mentioning a date- the release date for this movie.  Unfortunately, like a lot of stuff involving Kane, the film is a lot of bad surrounding one good thing- Kane himself.  He's great in this movie, even if he has no clear motivation for 90% of the film.  This film is truly Saw-lite, just with a big killer doing the gruesome murders.  The sets are all brown, covered in filth and look like they smell like ass.  Even the DVD release foreshadows this, as it features a Trailer for the Saw 2 DVD release.  To sort out the good from the bad, read on...
In the opening scene, Kane is stopped from killing a lady, but manages to kill one cop and take another one's hand off.  He also survives a bullet to the brain and eludes capture...somehow.
Years later, two groups of criminal youths are sent to work off part of their sentence cleaning up an old Motel.  Naturally, the film meanders for the next twenty minutes setting up the characters...who die in the next hour.

Time well spent, movie!
Skipping ahead, Kane starts to kill the people.  Yea...I mean, boo.

Seriously, he's the best part of the film, so he can do whatever he wants as long as he stays on screen.
Silly moments include a scene explaining that Kane (aka Jacob) set up trip wires tied to bells all over the building.  It takes away from his killer mystique to picture him spending days setting that up!
His collection room is right out of a crazy person's diary.  Could this film be more like Saw or Hostel?
In a shocking twist, the old lady  is actually Kane's Mother.  Holy Friday the 13th, Batman!

Wait- nobody knows that she's Kane's mother?  The famous serial killer?  Nobody notices that she hired the guy who shot her infamous son and who was maimed by said son?  You could drive that ship from the opening of Star Wars through this plot-hole!
To amp up the gore and silliness, Kane is killed by a pipe through the eye.  Of course, that's not enough to take out the Big Red Monster!
He falls several floors, crashes through some glass (which should have been broken already) and the pipe gets ripped out of his head, killing him.  Thankfully, the Pimp and his former-girlfriend survive.  Yea?  The End.
It's...Saw.  As I mentioned, I think that the character of Kane and Glenn Jacobs has been very underrated for years.  Sadly, his only film effort so far- save for a cameo in MacGruber- is exactly the kind of crap he's been bogged down with for years.  Pointless unmasking, Katie Vick (don't Google it) and electrifying Shane McMahon's balls to build up to a match are just a few of the 'high points' of his career.  This film boils down to a mix of Saw, Friday the 13th and a bit of Halloween/TCM.  It's a generic mish-mash of other Horror films and has no identity.  The only good part is Kane- plain and simple.  His fairly-natural acting and presence here makes the movie feel like a lazy effort designed to showcase a good performer.  I didn't expect a great movie, but I did expect a decent one.  This movie is just a generic cash-in that wastes his lead and his particular talents.  When you have someone who already looks like a Slasher Movie Heavy, you cast him...in a dull, by-the-numbers film.  Look at this face and tell me that you couldn't have done better...
Next up, a film that kind of slipped under the radar due to Hurricane Katrina.  Will it be a good idea to review while my house is in the path of a Tropical Storm?  Stay tuned...

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