Wrapping Things Up: Darkman

Are you afraid of the Darkman?  Today's film is a cult classic- no doubt.  It was not a big hit in Theaters, however, which is a bit of a shame.  Like with every superhero film that's a hit, Batman's success inspired many followers.  As a lover of the odd and obscure, I already covered the final two films in the 'series.'  Those were the Direct-to-Video ones, mind you, and weren't released in Theaters.  Is the original better than them?  Of course it is!  However, I still feel the need to cover this film, if for no other reason than to give it a little bit of a highlight.  I'll make the Plot Summary brief here, focusing on the notable moments or scenes in it.  Quite frankly, if you don't know the plot know, you obviously don't care.  To find out how random and crazy this film can be, read on...

Darkman is born from an explosion in a lab.  He has the nerves connecting his brain to his pain receptors removed, giving him super-strength (why not?) and making him kind of crazy.  Given this explosion, he's obviously already a superhero for surviving it!

Ted Raimi is in this movie.  You know what that means- Ted Raimi dies a horrible death.  Big shock.

Master of Disguise, Darkman hangs around at a Bus Stop near the building of the man he's copied.  Smart guy.

In one of the craziest sequences that defies all logic, Darkman is cornered in his lab.  He takes one guy out and puts the mask of his friend on him...

...but also puts a mask of his own face underneath that...

...and has the guy gagged under that.  He does all this in about three minutes and with no prep time.  Suck it, logic!  Oh and you're welcome, Mission Impossible 3.

While out in public, Darkman has a rage episode at a Carnival.  Crazy effect, Sam!

The finale takes place on a construction site and doesn't feature Durante.  Kind of odd considering the second film, right?

In The End, Darkman turns over to his vigilante side and runs off to fight crime.  His final disguise: Ash.  Nice touch, considering that the studio wouldn't hire Bruce for the lead.  The End.

Eventually, I wrap up every series- dammit!  This film is fun, well-paced and full of craziness.  If you ever wondered what would have happened if Sam Raimi had made Spider-Man with his '80s mind-set, this is it.  Younger readers may only know his more recent stuff and that's a shame.  Likewise, many people remember the Evil Dead franchise and his newer stuff, but forget what took place in the middle.  Granted- nobody cares all that much about The Quick & The Dead, but still.  The movie is certainly over-looked by a lot of people and that's a shame.  With a quality- but bare-bones- DVD release and a Blu-Ray release, there's plenty of chances for you guys to check it out.  If you ever wanted to see a man with a box full of finger tips, this is certainly one of them.  Before I go, let's all play 'Spot the Director of An American Werewolf in Paris'...

Next up, February begins awkwardly with a trio of films with no relation whatsoever.  First up, Superman fights a Dragon.  Stay tuned...

VHS For The Win: Frankenstein '80

For a while, it seemed like there would be a Frankenstein movie for every decade.  There was Frankenstein 1970, Frankenstein '80 and Frankenstein '90.  Speaking of the middle film...

While it's a pun, it is just so amazingly-forced that I love it!  I hope that this film is a comedy or else this box is really misleading.

Next up, I cover one of the many Nazisploitation films based around ladies.  Oh, you Devil!  Stay tuned...

Wrapping Things Up: Cyborg 2

I'm definitely reviewing it this time!  When I attempted to wrap up some series' last month, I failed to do one thing: review Cyborg 2.  Yeah, I somehow missed this one.  Let's amend that right now.  If you have any channel that shows movies, you've probably seen Cyborg 2 at least 30 times.  Seriously, I hope the actors like Elias Koteas are getting residuals- but I doubt it.  In fact, Koteas' work is often not remembered in this film, even though he plays a good guy for one of the few times he had played a good guy up until this point in his career.  Obviously, one actor gets the lion's share of the attention in regards to this movie.  If you don't know yet, do a Google Image search for 'Cyborg 2' and see what comes up.  Is the film the more-competent and less-boring of the trilogy?  Will the Cyborg actually be a big part of the film this time, as opposed to a plot device?  Will Malcolm McDowell make a pointless cameo?  To find out, read on...

Let's be honest- there's one thing to know about this movie: it stars Angelina Jolie.

Other than that, there's not a lot to say.  The plot involves an evil corporation, an old scientist and a man caught in the middle of the action.  Nothing new or unique.

However, it does feature a likely-under-18 Jolie flipping, shooting guns and just generally flashing those massive lips.  Need I say more?

That's enough for me!  I'm being honest here when I say that there's not much to say about Cyborg 2.  It's amazingly-generic and just exists to sell videos.  Is there a deep message here?  Let me put it this way: it features Jack Palance as a suicide bomber.  Still wondering?  I didn't think so.  Let me say this as well: Cyborg 2 is a fun movie.  It's nothing special, but it features Angelina Jolie as a flipping Cyborg who fires sub-machine guns.  It's Direct-to-Video fluff- plain and simple.  If you're stuck in bed or just want something to do, scan any of your movie channels- even the non-HBO/Cinemax/Showtime ones- and watch this movie.  Given the time it was released, I'm sure that you can find it on DVD for about $1 in any Wal-Mart or Target too.  If you haven't seen it yet, you're missing out.  Don't make Palance mad now...

Up next, the final film of January is a cult classic.  Will it outperform it's under-budget and odd sequels?  Stay tuned...

Poor Bastards of Cinema: Mandrake (Part 1)

Another delayed VHS for the Win.  It's called 'playing catch-up.'  In the mean-time...

Today's Poor Bastard comes from Mandrake, a Syfy Channel film with mostly-good effects and atmosphere. In it, this guy is working at a camp established to send people out to find an artifact.  Out getting water, he hears a noise in the bushes...

What could it be, Manut?

...and he's dragged into the woods and killed by the tribesmen.  For what exactly?

Granted- the guy was working for the people who were seeking the artifact.  However, do you think that he was a high-ranking member of the group?  Hell, this guy was probably taking the job to pay for his kids' education.

I mean, they don't say that...but that's how I look at it.

Next up, a lady gets the indignity of the film's 'opening kill.'  However, she actually survives and...gets even worse treatment than that.  Stay tuned...

Project Terrible: Ghost Machine

Alas poor everyone.  The final film of my Round of Project Terrible films is one that is actually decent...for a while.  It really goes downhill when the plot is actually explained and executed.  Not a good sign, right?  I feel bad for everyone involved though, since the film is not awful acting-wise.  It's not great acting-wise either, but nobody really drags the movie down.  What drags the movie down is a confusing plot involving science, the military and the supernatural.  Basically, it's The Matrix meets Ghost Ship, but somehow managing to seem even sillier than that combination sounds on paper.  It just feels like someone was tasked with taking an interesting visual and making it into a logical plot.  He achieved, well, nothing.  I should point out that this movie is a North Ireland Production and that I'm part Irish.  No car bombs- drinks or actual- please!  As a bonus, rising star Sean Faris- brother of Anna- is in this movie.  Will this be a stain on his future resume?  To find out, read on...

The film begins with some men in uniform raiding a building.  Actually, it begins with a scene of some lady being dragged in under a hood.  This footage is just more interesting and doesn't lead to a silly plot twist later...

This is our hero- a man who created a VR Training Program.  He decides to take it off-site for some private testing.  This won't end badly at all.

The group wire up the hallways and rooms of the building to create a virtual environment.  That's right- our computer expert is too lazy to create his own textures and environments!  Oh yeah, this also gets people killed.

A mysterious entity makes it way into the programming.  As long as it's not that chick from Ringu (again), all is well.

When the creature starts attacking the 'gamers,' blood starts to spill.  How does it cause real, physical damage to people?  How does it make wounds appear on people's chest?  How does it make water come out of a guy's mouth later?

SPOILERS AHEAD!  You were warned....

*

*

*

*

It turns out that the killer is the ghost of a Computer Hacker brought to Ireland via rendition.  She died and her ghost was scanned in with the room in which she died.  No, really.

Things go to hell when the ghost/hacker starts rewriting the code.  It does so to the extent that it fools our heroes into thinking that they had escaped.  It follows that up by setting the hard drive to erase.  It leads to this effect...

In the SECOND twist ending to this movie, our surviving heroes are stuck in an internet limbo for safe-keeping.  It turns out to not be so safe after all.  The End.

A ghost is still better than a Spirit.  I really thought that this movie was not going to be bad.  I thought that maybe, just maybe, I got a decent film.  Unfortunately, the other half of this movie made that not true.  Furthermore, the explanation of all of the events so far ruin the other scenes too.  The whole thing was a set-up to catch the creature?  Even if I thought that this pseudo-science was plausible, how could the character?  He seems to take the biggest shot in the dark...and wins...kind of.  That's not strong enough though.  He takes a shot in the dark, but he's also not sure if his gun is loaded or if he's even in a room.  Seriously, who thought up the premise for this movie, pitched it and actually got approval?  Did they read the script?  Did they just think that Ghost Machine sounded cool?  Good grief!!!

Next up, I wrap up January with two more films to complete a series.  First up- a film I could have sworn that I already did.  Stay tuned...

R.I.P. Dr. Hess

News just came out of the passing of Ian Abercrombie.  It's a loss, obviously.

While he had a long career in Hollywood and on television, he'll always be that evil Dr. Hess from Puppet Master 3.

For making it the best film in the bunch IMO, he deserves a lot of praise- especially since it was a DeCoteau film

As a side-note, he was apparently Alfred on the show Birds of Prey too.  I'm worried for Michael Caine and Efrem Zimbalist Jr., what with Michael Gough dying last year.  Be safe, Alfreds.

Project Terrible: Project X29A

Alright, let's see what you've got, Bob!  My long-time friend and fellow blogger over at Gaming Creatively really has it out for me.  Is it because I made him watch 'the High School production of Twilight?'  Is it because I made him watch a movie that makes spies, ninjas and a robot Bigfoot boring?  Is it because I got him to watch the most pretentious movies since Naked Lunch- Southland Tales?  All good reasons, actually.  This is Project Terrible and it is my idea- guilty- so I can't give out the crappy films without getting some of my own.  Can this movie be worse for me than what I have for him?  Well, it's not by Uwe Boll, so probably not.  Jack yourself into VR and read on...

The plot of this movie is amazingly paper-thin.  Basically, a guy- eventually- gets turned into a robot soldier and fights his own friend.  Instead of talking about that normally, I'll just show you other highlights.  For example, this guy 'jacking in.'  Just to note: this film was made in 1992!

This is the Prototype- a cool suit, until you see it in motion for long and realize that it's rubber.  Plus, this scene is from the beginning...before our hero becomes the robot.  Confused?

Recognize that face?  Imagine it with blond highlights and a stoned-expression?  Get it now?  It's Kato Kaelin, B-Movie Actor turned O.J. Trial Witness turned National Joke.  Weird!

In this odd sequence, our hero is lonely and obsessed with a woman- one of two in the film, mind you- and logs onto a VR program to...well, hook up with her.  Don't worry- the Necrophilia option is turned off.  This goes on for a while until...

...he wakes up in the tube- before he's put there in the story...I think.  Seconds later, he wakes up in bed.  Did you just dream about being in a dream being in a VR program?  What.  The.  Hell?!??

In the Dystopian future of 2057, the only thing that can stop the evil robots- Primes- are these guys...that know Tai-Chi.  This future does suck!

The movie's final battle initially involves this Tai-Chi Master- with white guy dreads- vs. the Prototype.  He fails.  It finally comes down to the kid from earlier and the object of lust convincing our hero to stop.  But...

...ripping the robot helmet off of your head- nice Star Wars rip-off BTW- doesn't end well for him.  He dies.  The kid finds his body in a tube...and leaves.  The End.

On the plus side, there's only one killer robot trying to destroy the humans this time.  The best way that I can describe this movie is as 'If David Lynch made Robocop.'  Actually, that's insulting to David Lynch, who I'm not even a fan of!  Let me describe it as 'If David Lynch sustained a series of head injuries and returned to work too early to make Robocop.'  That's better...but not enough.  Let me describe as 'If David Lynch sustained a series of head injuries and returned to work too early to make Robocop, only to find out that it had a budget of $6,000 dollars and some Sacajawea Coins.'  That's a good one!  This movie's premise is not bad- it's the execution that sucks ass.  I fell asleep watching this movie initially, making it to about the half-hour point.  It just takes forever to get going & feels lazy.  We 'get it' early on that the guy is upset with being paralyzed and not getting the girl.  Naturally, they spend about four long scenes showing various reasons why- since I guess the audience for this movie is people who can't take a hint!  When I re-approached the film later, I just kind of skipped to the 'good stuff.'  It does get better after the first forty-plus minutes, but that's a low bar.  Is it Terrible?  It's certainly close, I'll give it that.  For at least having a competent suit and some action, it's merely terrible.  As far as using an upside-down keyboard, that's Terrible...

Up next, I end with a second film about VR and from Gaming Creatively.  Which random person will cameo in this film?  Stay tuned...

Paranormal Activity 3 vs. The Last Exorcism: Rip-Off?

After watching Paranormal Activity 3 last night (it was alright), I was struck by a similarity to another 'found footage' film: The Last Exorcism.  You know, that movie that would never be made if Paranormal Activity was not a hit.

Warning: this mentions key Plot Points of both movies, including a reference or two to the Ending.  SPOILERS ahoy!

Possessed little girls making the 'scare you YouTube video' face- check.

A finale involving our heroes and a bonfire in the yard- another check!  They don't quite get the scale right though...

I'll avoid going into more detail, but there is even more going on in the two movies' plots that have parallels.  Oh and the Ending of PE3 has no set-up via the first two movies.  I guess Paranormal Activity 4 will address the plot holes!  Awkward smile...

Project Terrible: Kill Katie Malone

Another Terrible movie?  Today's film is Kill Katie Malone, a film given to me by Michele over at The Girl Who Loves A Horror.  After the films I've subjected her to, it's only fitting that I get my fair share.  Look out for the film that I gave her when she covers it sometime next month- it should be a doozy.  On the plus side, I avoided Taintlight for another Round!  So what is this movie about?  Basically, imagine The Ring, except the creature could attack you for no good reason.  There's a little more to the plot than that, but it's a pretty good summary.  This is more than a blatant rip-off though, putting it in a league above Ring Around the Rosie aka Fear Itself: Dark Memories.  Look for a couple of people to show up, even some who could have done better...in 1993.  As a bonus, this movie has an interesting connection to a film that The Girl Who Loves Horror did in the last Round.  Curious?  I thought so.  I should mention that this film comes to us from 2009, so beware of SPOILERS...if you care.  To find out all of the answers to my teasers, read on...

Dean Cain shows up in the Intro, losing his daughter to the evil of the box.  How did he get the box?  Good luck with getting the answer to that question...

Our heroes buy the box off of the Internet from Cain.  Naturally, you'd want to give the thing to someone else after it killed your daughter- asshole!

Strange things start to happen, including words appearing on a wall in Gaelic.  This young lady is able to translate it...because.  You couldn't hire an Irish girl or at least someone who looked like they might be?  Weird.

The Ghost/Not Sadako starts killing and/or maiming people who try to harm her 'family' (the trio).  She makes this teacher bite her tongue off for accusing one guy of plagiarism...

...and then it evaporates Nick Hogan.  That's right, Michele- we both have Project Terrible films with  Hogan in them.  Congrats.

To further muddle this villain's motivation, it kills the girl that our hero likes (while he ignores his friend).  One- she said 'no' to a date.  Two- you just killed her boyfriend (see above).  Why not just leave him alone?!?

Our heroes try to stem the tide of violence by 'setting the girl free.'  She doesn't take the hint, however, choosing to just blatantly steal imagery from the Ringu films now.

The finale of this film is made up of two scenes: the secondary leads being chased by the ghost and our hero trying to sell the box on uBid (subtle!).  No, really.  Tense box-selling action!  PayPal, you cruel bitch!

In The End, our heroine and hero survive the night (but the black guy dies).  The box ends up with the Goth Girl...who is Cain's other daughter.  The idiots fight, unleashing the ghost once again to kill them.  The End.

Go ahead and take care of me next, guys.  When a movie can't even create a coherent title, what hope is there?  Seriously, diagram that title.  Is the movie about them trying to kill Katie Malone?  No- she's already a ghost.  What else could it mean then?  Furthermore, there's no punctuation to go with it, implying that it's not a command a la Sink the Bismark! or (only good for this comparison) Kill The Scream Queen!  So with that glaring issue aside, how is the movie?  It's not Terrible, but I wouldn't call it good.  The acting is only so-so, the pacing is weird and certain characters' importance is hard to decipher.  Case in point: Dixie aka the other Male Lead.  He's a lead early on, but vanishes from the movie about thirty minutes in.  He makes sporadic appearances throughout, but he's completely-eclipsed by characters like the college love interest and Nick Hogan's asshole.  Wow, you're important, huh?!?  The ghost's powers are also a bit odd, ranging from body control to the ability to evaporate people a la War of the Worlds.  What part of being a ghost allows you to do that?  This movie is just *this close* to being truly terrible, but miles away from being Terrible.  There's a decent film buried in this mess.  Take us away, cheap Google substitute...

Next up, what is the secret of Prototype X29A?  Here's a hint: it's probably Terrible.  Stay tuned...