Moon Over Miami: Evil Bong

Alright, let's get this pain over with.  There's no way that this was going to be good.  While I always hope that a movie will turn out good, there was just no way that this one would be.  First off, it's a Full Moon film, so I set my bar at the appropriate level.  I like stuff like Trancers II, but they put out more shit than a manure factory.  Secondly, it's more Comedy than Horror.  If they can't handle a proper horror film have of the time, how can they handle this?  Never mind that it's so specific a Sub-Genre (the Pot Comedy) that it only appeals to a small demographic to begin with.  So with the deck fairly stacked against this movie, let me discuss it a bit.  It's about an evil bong.  Wow, that didn't take long.  There's slightly-more going on here however, which I will get into in a moment.  To enjoy the smell of rancid bong water properly, read on...

This is a Stoner.  This is a Stoner in a Charles Band movie.   That clock in the background always says 4:20.  Any questions?

They eventually buy the titular object, getting it delivered by a guy who played a random character in Trancers II.  Ha- see what I did in the Intro now?  Random!

Speaking of which, this movie is full of random cameos.  Considering the plot is just these idiots getting high and being killed by strippers in Monster Bras, I can waste plenty of time here.  First, we have Ooga Booga from Doll Graveyard.

Oddly, the Jock from that movie who was killed by the same doll is also in Evil Bong, but isn't in the scene with Ooga.  How did you mess that opportunity up, Charles?

The Gingerdead Man- not voiced by Gary Busey- is here too.  That's one Full Moon franchise I'm not sad to see O.O.P....

Even Jack Deth shows up, 12 years after legitimately appearing in one of his films (and four years after this crap).  How?  Did Jack smoke the bong too?  If so, why does he just kind of leave?  Hello?!?

Tommy Chong- before his stop in prison- is here as the bong's original owner.  Not to give Full Moon ideas, but why have they not made a prequel about his experience with it in the '60s?  It can't be worse than the sequels are!

In The End, our heroes escape the Bong thanks to a Deus Ex Machina in the form of 'anti-weed' pills that Chong has.  Why would he have those again?  He blows himself up...from inside the Bong and dies...I guess. The other guys- they all live...after dying in the Bong.  Excuse me!

However, Chong lives on in the Bong...which he blew up.  He also plays with the formerly-evil strippers and his toy cars.  The *real* End.

You may want to forget this movie...like where you put your car keys.  Let me get this obvious statement out of the way- I am not this film's main audience.  Happy?  Good.  This movie is awful.  Watching it completely-sober, it's a bad comedy with dumb effects, a stupid stupid story and no redeeming characters.  Allistair would be that character, but he's written so broadly that he makes '90s John Goodman looks like '90s Oprah!  This is so just stock that it should be sold on Wall Street!  The characters are so dumb and annoying that...you get the drift.  If you are the kind of person who this film is made for, I feel sorry for you.  Not because of your drug of choice, but because of how people like Charles Band view you.  He looks at you and thinks 'This is for them.'  You poor guys.  In all seriousness, I'm glad that films like this get made for a certain audience.  I, however, am not that audience.  Now, if you'll excuse me, I'll continue to watch crap like this to make other people laugh.  Take us away, actress who can't say no to Full Moon...

Next up, the film's sequel...ugh.  I stumbled across this as part of DVD set...so you get to share my pain.  Stay tuned...