Thursday, January 26, 2012

Project Terrible: Kill Katie Malone

Another Terrible movie?  Today's film is Kill Katie Malone, a film given to me by Michele over at The Girl Who Loves A Horror.  After the films I've subjected her to, it's only fitting that I get my fair share.  Look out for the film that I gave her when she covers it sometime next month- it should be a doozy.  On the plus side, I avoided Taintlight for another Round!  So what is this movie about?  Basically, imagine The Ring, except the creature could attack you for no good reason.  There's a little more to the plot than that, but it's a pretty good summary.  This is more than a blatant rip-off though, putting it in a league above Ring Around the Rosie aka Fear Itself: Dark Memories.  Look for a couple of people to show up, even some who could have done 1993.  As a bonus, this movie has an interesting connection to a film that The Girl Who Loves Horror did in the last Round.  Curious?  I thought so.  I should mention that this film comes to us from 2009, so beware of SPOILERS...if you care.  To find out all of the answers to my teasers, read on...
Dean Cain shows up in the Intro, losing his daughter to the evil of the box.  How did he get the box?  Good luck with getting the answer to that question...
Our heroes buy the box off of the Internet from Cain.  Naturally, you'd want to give the thing to someone else after it killed your daughter- asshole!
Strange things start to happen, including words appearing on a wall in Gaelic.  This young lady is able to translate it...because.  You couldn't hire an Irish girl or at least someone who looked like they might be?  Weird.
The Ghost/Not Sadako starts killing and/or maiming people who try to harm her 'family' (the trio).  She makes this teacher bite her tongue off for accusing one guy of plagiarism...
...and then it evaporates Nick Hogan.  That's right, Michele- we both have Project Terrible films with  Hogan in them.  Congrats.
To further muddle this villain's motivation, it kills the girl that our hero likes (while he ignores his friend).  One- she said 'no' to a date.  Two- you just killed her boyfriend (see above).  Why not just leave him alone?!?
Our heroes try to stem the tide of violence by 'setting the girl free.'  She doesn't take the hint, however, choosing to just blatantly steal imagery from the Ringu films now.
The finale of this film is made up of two scenes: the secondary leads being chased by the ghost and our hero trying to sell the box on uBid (subtle!).  No, really.  Tense box-selling action!  PayPal, you cruel bitch!
In The End, our heroine and hero survive the night (but the black guy dies).  The box ends up with the Goth Girl...who is Cain's other daughter.  The idiots fight, unleashing the ghost once again to kill them.  The End.
Go ahead and take care of me next, guys.  When a movie can't even create a coherent title, what hope is there?  Seriously, diagram that title.  Is the movie about them trying to kill Katie Malone?  No- she's already a ghost.  What else could it mean then?  Furthermore, there's no punctuation to go with it, implying that it's not a command a la Sink the Bismark! or (only good for this comparison) Kill The Scream Queen!  So with that glaring issue aside, how is the movie?  It's not Terrible, but I wouldn't call it good.  The acting is only so-so, the pacing is weird and certain characters' importance is hard to decipher.  Case in point: Dixie aka the other Male Lead.  He's a lead early on, but vanishes from the movie about thirty minutes in.  He makes sporadic appearances throughout, but he's completely-eclipsed by characters like the college love interest and Nick Hogan's asshole.  Wow, you're important, huh?!?  The ghost's powers are also a bit odd, ranging from body control to the ability to evaporate people a la War of the Worlds.  What part of being a ghost allows you to do that?  This movie is just *this close* to being truly terrible, but miles away from being Terrible.  There's a decent film buried in this mess.  Take us away, cheap Google substitute...
Next up, what is the secret of Prototype X29A?  Here's a hint: it's probably Terrible.  Stay tuned...


  1. Why must you bring up Kill the Scream Queen again? I had almost pushed that out of my memory, dangit!

  2. Okay, obviously I did not read about this movie close enough. I was thinking, with the badly worded title, that some ghost was after Katie Malone. Huh? No? Katie Malone is the one doing the killing? So then why isn't it called "Kill, Katie Malone" or even "Katie Malone! Yeah, you! GO KILL!" What a downer. And as for Nick Hogan (thank you for the reminder of that shitty Hercules movie, BTW), I'm thinking that he's not going to be a big name in movies. Agree?

    And I love it when movies have to make up alternate titles for internet stuff - FaceSpace, uBid, FindFast... good stuff.

  3. After twenty years, I can't picture any 'Hogan' as a movie star. Then again, Brooke will be in 'Two-Headed Shark Attack.' Could she break the trend?

  4. I just saw this movie last night. A black dude named Dixie? Come on. I loved how the guys dorm room was decorated like my bedroom when I was 10. I only stuck with this one because I was hoping that the ghost would make Ginger's clothing vanish. Sadly, that did not happen.