Alright, I admit- I gave up. I gave up fast. To put this into context, consider that I watched all of the following movies in full: Hobgoblins II, Death Racers, Rasen and Jaws in Japan. Hell, I've given up on some films in the past- i.e. Flesh Gordon 2- but I lasted longer than this. My previous record I think is The Skeleton Key 2: 667- The Neighbor of the Beast at 15 minutes. This movie- five minutes. No, really. The opening of this film is so bad that I just plain gave up on it. With an experience that bad, I'd normally just not bother- like with Morgana and The Bloody Ape- but I feel the need to warn you. If you had no idea about this movie, you might think that this movie could be interesting. It's not. You have to see just how terrible (lower case 't') this film truly is, read on...
The film begins In Media Res...kind of. Having skimmed to The End, this scene doesn't occur. Anyhow, the film begins with the scientist killing this creature...
...this thing. Why...why do you show that thing in full? Do you really think that this crap is good? Was this creature designed for and by blind people?!?
As if you needed any more incentive, this is what substitutes for the mad scientist's lab. You can't just put a tarp up- that's not a room! See what I mean? The End.
No, I'm not going to finish you! I don't go into most movies looking to hate them, provided that they aren't Transformers sequels. This movie just hurt me from the get-go and I gave up. Can you blame me? I've sat through so many shit movies that I can tell when I've seen the best/worst part. It's like being a Wine Connoisseur, only with terrible Direct-to-DVD movies. Quite frankly, I'd be amazed if a lot of you made it past the title card showing the subtitle 'Snakes on a College Campus.' I wouldn't blame you. The bottom line here is that this movie just fails right from the get-go. If you blow your engine pulling out of the driveway, you're just not going on that trip. This movie is just...just awful. Unless Godzilla shows up to battle Dracula in a giant mech-suit, I can feel safe in never addressing this movie again. If my five minutes of agony can save you from this crap, I'll feel like I did a good deed. That face...hurts...
Next up, I take a break from making other people watch David DeCoteau films and watch one myself. Naturally, it's full of shirtless young men...and killer leeches. Stay tuned...
No comments:
Post a Comment