Friday, December 9, 2011

WTF Japan?!?: Cromartie High School- The Movie

Japan is not the best place to go to school.  While I am no fan of Anime, pretty much everyone else I know is.  So when I told them that I was going to cover the live-action adaptation of Cromartie High School, one of them was quoted as saying 'Oh no.'  After all the crazy crap from Japan I've watched, how bad could it be?  Could it be worse than Hellevator?  How about the random, animated mess known as We Are The Strange? Dare I ask- is it worse than Jaws in Japan?  The short answer- no.  It is, however, very, very silly.  Even in contrast to some other films from this crazy, crazy country.  This is around the point where I normally give a basic synopsis of the film, one that I will elaborate on later.  This beyond a simple synopsis.  To decipher the cryptic nature of that statement, read on...
A young man moves to Cromartie High School, a school full of crazy delinquents.  Now I see why Japan was randomly killing their students!
The danger and turmoil is not just relegated to the school itself, but abroad.  A random plot point arises involving the bullies trying to hijack a plane.  No, really.
The school is full of dangerous students, crazy hotheads and, oh yeah, this Gorilla...
...and this robot.  Do you really expect me to explain this?  If the movie doesn't, why should I?
Just like I don't feel the need to explain this bite-sized robot.  I mean, it explains itself, really.
In random sub-plot #256, this guy is the son of a big businessman and plans to take over.  Unfortunately, he showed up at the wrong school- one he has no sway over.  Too late to back out now...apparently.
Rather than even pretending that this movie has a cohesive plot, I'll just grace you with this random selection of screen shots from the movie.  If it can't pretend to care, why should I?  Aliens...
...monkey lady...or monkey transvestite.  Either works, really.
Group assembly shot!  Why they're all dressed like the guys from Men At Work is anyone's guess.  Nice horse, by the way.  The End.
Random words!  The plot of this movie is...well, not much of a cohesive plot.  They adapted a TV show into a film, but neglected to actually make, you know, a film!  The show ran for 26 episodes, which is certainly a lot to try and cram into one movie.  Of course, you could always just pick one or two stories to do.  Imagine if the makers of Lemony Snicket's A Series of Unfortunate Events decided to adapt all 13 books into one film, as opposed to just three!  In fact, the Director states that he was given leeway by the original author to 'Do whatever you want.'  I should also point out that this Screenplay took about 18 months to write.  Charles Band could have Written, Shot and Edited over 300 films in that same period of time!  Was this movie worth all of that time?  In a word, 'no.'  It's not a terrible film- or a Terrible film- per se.  The problem is that the movie is just so random and scattershot that it was hard for me to care.  For me, the worst kind of Japanese films are unfocused- that or Jaws in Japan.  If you're into the crazy and random humor films from Japan, check this one out.  If you liked the Manga or Anime, check this one out.  If you don't fit into either one of those groups, just watch Tokyo Gore Police.
Next up, the week concludes with a film that combines Chitty Chitty Bang Bang and Spider-Man.  As a bonus, it's Russian.  Stay tuned...

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