Monday, December 12, 2011

Grease Painted Death: Dead Clowns

You made THIS boring?!?  I'm always amazed by the idiocy and incompetence of filmmakers sometimes.  I don't expect a lot from movies, especially when they're called Dead Clowns.  What is the film about?  I think it's pretty obvious, isn't it?  The more important thing to know is this- zombie clowns.  How can this go wrong?  To find out the answer to this question, you're just going to have to read on...
Basically, a bunch of clowns got dumped in a lake during a train ride into a town.  Fifty years later, a hurricane comes around and loosens them, now zombies...for some reason.  I don't know- just go with it.  The movie is broken up into five key parts...

One- this paralyzed guy has his house boarded up by a friend before the storm.  Zombie clowns show up and kill his friend, while he hides in a closet.
Two- this lady (who's father caused the accident) comes home before the storm with her husband.  They are both the first thirty minutes.
Three- this lady also exists.  I fail to see what's interesting about her character at all.  She dies.
Four- this duo killed a priest and decide to hide out in town...during a hurricane.  They get an exposition dump taken upon them- by a local woman with an Australian accent- and eventually get killed by the clowns too.
Five- this guy is a Security Guard at a movie theater during the storm.  Why is he still there?  To get killed by the Clowns, of course.
Now just picture these scenes randomly cross-cut for no particular reason and with no narrative connection- other than the Clowns.  This took 90 minutes.  The End.
You are amazingly-bad at this whole 'movie' thing, aren't you?  The plot of this movie is incredibly-random and silly.  There are two ways to do a movie like this.  One- you put a bunch of people in a location and have them be confronted by the Clowns.  Two- you split the group into two parts- a la Against the Dark- and eventually have them join up.  This movie does neither of these options.  Instead, they have five groups/sets of people in different locations who never meet up.  Seriously, these people don't have anything to do with each other!  Furthermore, none of them- save for the second pair- have any connection to the accident that created the Zombie Clowns.  That character is, of course, killed off first and with no drama to it.  This plot hole is addressed in the film with this explanation- 'You're in the town- that's close enough for them.'  No, really.  How does this random Alderman lady- who has an inexplicable Australian accent- know the Zombies' motivation?  Actually, that is a good question...which gets no answer.  This movie's execution just sucks.  It's five stories randomly tied together...sort of.  Due to the film's random Editing, all of the drama is gone and it's hard to care.  You made Zombie Clowns boring.  I'm...I'm amazed.
Next up, a film that actually makes use of the clown gimmick much better.  Is it actually good though?  Stay tuned...

No comments:

Post a Comment