Triple B Flix: Return to Savage Beach

It's the end of the World as we know it...and I feel fine.  Today's Film is Return to Savage Beach, the 1998 Film that proved to be the last one made by Andy Sidaris.  Given his 2006 death from Cancer, I'm just going to assume that he retired from filmmaking.  I wouldn't want to presume or speculate about any future project he had planned- if one even existed.  These Movies are too stupid and ridiculous to make depressing, so let me move on from this subject.  As the final Film in the Series, this has to be epic.  So, naturally, it's...a Sequel to a Film from the Series that didn't need one.  Seriously, almost NONE of the Actors from that Film were available/willing to appear at this point.  On top of that, the Plot of Savage Beach had them discovering the Treasure- end of story.  So, naturally, there is just more treasure.  Don't go Half Past Dead 2 on us!  The one area Sidaris did go big on was repetition and, I guess, nostalgia.  Are you nostalgic for when these Films were based around a Radio Station and Cargo Pilots?  As an additional note, this is still a Sequel to Day of the Warrior.  So that means a return of Bagwell- hence why Bob suffered through this with me- and Obregon...but only one is playing the same Character.  Obregon is playing the Villain from Savage Beach...who just happens to be the twin of the guy they just battled...again.  Given how they randomly-recast Kane for 2 Films or had Erik Estrada inexplicably be a good guy in his 2nd (and last) Sidaris Film, this is nothing new, I guess.  This one is slightly less of a Plot mess than the last Film- at least at first.  To see Sidaris go out with a bang (or two...or three), read on...

Holy Abrupt Location Change, Batman!  The Film opens in Hawaii and Julie Strain is there with...the Co-Creator of Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.  Weird for so many reasons!

Good news, fans- the Sextrologist is back, but none of the Characters you actually cared about are!

In a repeat (or homage, I guess) of the early Films, our Heroes stop an Arms Deal.  This is done by way of a confusing series of events...

1) Shoot Explosive Tipped Bolt at Box of Explosives.
2) Nothing happens.
3) Man shoots Grenade Launcher at said Bolt.
4) First sparks and then explosion.

This lady disguises herself as a Pizza Lady and drugs the people in the LETHAL Force (new name) Building, since 'they sent everyone to help on the mission.'  Nobody else was with the 2 Agents, but...whatever.

The point of this: to steal the map to Savage Beach.  

Hey look- it's Paul Logan.  Before he was scissor-kicking CG Fish or mourning his 3rd Place Winner Son, he was in this Film.

Question- is working with The Asylum a step-up?

Plot Dump time as one of our Leads is suddenly-related to a Filipino General connected to the gold.  Cue the Stock Footage!

So they made all of the effort to get Buff Bagwell back.  He shows up, retcons that opening kill bit (it was now a Serial Killer, so they lessened his sentence) and is now an Agent.

After one brief fight, he does nothing but, well, this.

Here's the biggest problem with the Film- too many places and people.

Just in 90 minutes, we get trips from/to Los Angeles, Hawaii, Texas, Paris and the titular Island.
The Cast includes Okamura (wasted), Strain and Bagwell back, the Sextrologist, Mr. TMNT, an Asian Lady (who does nothing), Lead Agent, Paul Logan and the two lady Agents.

Sidaris can barely manage 4 people in these, let alone of these people!

Sparing you most of this Plot, Lead Agent is kidnapped by the blonde from earlier and some Ninjas.  Their goal- take some never-before-seen treasure on the Island.

One Ninja shoots the guy and he seems to be dead.  He lays on the ground and we see...that the Amulet blocked the bullet...but he's bleeding...and he's knocked out.  Um...come again?!?

After we learn that the blonde bad lady is actually undercover (naturally!), we get the long, drawn-out ending with Obregon.  I'll sum it up for you (and spare you like 10 minutes)...

Obregon reveals in a mixed of new and Stock Footage how he survived.  He somehow flew Dona's plane back, since I guess she didn't notice somehow!  After stealing his prints, we learn that...Obregon is actually his evil Cousin in disguise!

To make matters worse, we learn later that Obregon actually did survive!  You're ending the Series on this, guys?  Alright.  The End.

Ending with a convoluted bang of sorts.  Return to Savage Beach is not a good Film.  After 11 of these, is that a surprise?  More than the others, however, there is a confusing sense of Been There, Done That.  I've been repetitious in mentioning how repetitious this Series is as a whole, but this goes to a whole new level.  The Film is a weird sort of love letter to itself.  It jumps from location to location seemingly just to check off the boxes.  It's my job to check off boxes while watching this thing, not you!  The Film brings back many things, but not people.  Dona Speir was too good to actually show up for this one?  Ouch.  It is the worst kind of self-homage- a tedious one.  Why move from Hawaii to Texas to Los Angeles and then back again?  We shot Films in those places, so shut up.  Other than a tedious, drawn-out Ending, there's nothing new here.  All of the obvious stuff is here- pointless Sex Scenes, explosions, slow motion and exploding toys- and it is somehow worse than before.  Bagwell's Scene- seen earlier- follows one of them being kidnapped- time and place, guys!  Logan's Scene is an awkward stop after some Plot/Action AND also features a Fantasy Scenario for no good reason.  Just to annoy Bob, the exploding Toy Car is back, but also a Tank Toy...that just explodes too.  Why make it a Tank?!?  So yeah, this sucks.  If you've seen the other Films like I have, it is too self-referential with no improvements.  If you haven't seen all of them, you'll be confused why stuff happens and why they change locations so much for so little Plot.  On the plus side, I'm done with this until I dare go back and watch Sidaris' Seven.  Take us away, silly exploding Toys...

Next time, a 2-part look at the Films that Actors make to fund what they actually want.  First up, the money Film and it's Quest For relevance.  Stay tuned...