New Crap: The Host (2013)

Are we done with Stephanie Meyer now?  After the ludicrous gross profit of the Twilight films, Meyer's next book to be made into a film was this one: The Host.  No, not the good one.  While we continue to wait to see if the South Korean film will lead to a Series, we get this shit.  Here's the Story: alien things possess our bodies and control the Earth.  There are many, MANY questions to be asked here, but you will get no answers.  There's only one thing stopping the conquering of Earth: the power of love.  Excuse me, but I just threw up in my mouth a little bit.  The Cast of these Y.A.(Young Adult)-sploitation Films always includes at least one respectable Actor.  In this case, we get William Hurt and Diane Kruger.  Damn.  I will admit that I went into this expecting something bad.  Unfortunately, I got just that.  There are no moments that are just flat-out ridiculous (like Vampire Baseball or Bella...in General), but the whole thing just feels both cheap and silly.  It has this air of 'This is Important' that it has no earned.  I will not SPOIL all of it, but I will give you enough reasons to make up your own mind about this silliness.  To find out why you should be scared of little glowing things, read on...

With absolutely no build-up, a group of people flee from some folks in white.  The last one left- this brunette- jumps to her death, because...logic.

They put one of these glowing alien flagella in her neck and now she's one of them.  Sci-fience!

However, the brain in this body doesn't just fade away- she stays.

She stays to try and fight for control, but mostly to complain in a monotone voice.  I get 80 more minutes of this- great.

We eventually get some schmaltzy crap with her and this guy- who is so damn generic- in flashbacks of her previous life.  The aliens want to know where her family and friends are, since they are part of the small Resistance to the occupation.

One of the few redeeming parts of the film is Diane Kruger's The Seeker (The Dark is Rising?).  She goes after our heroine after she convinces her new alien Host to leave.  Her performance elevates the film...for brief moments.

The silly 'Everyone wears white and their cars are silver' bits- not so much.

Just to be extra silly, we get a double dose of Young Adult Romance.  One of these guys loves the human being controlled, while the other loves the alien controlling her body.  That's...I mean, really?

Will love win the day?  Will these tiny alien things win?  Will this girl learn how to emote?  To find out, watch the film (if you insist).  The End.

While it is not the worst Stephanie Meyer adaptation out there, that...is a very low bar to deal with.  It is not nearly as hilariously-bad as some of the Twilight films- like the one where Bella killed a Deer-, but also not as painful as stuff like Breaking Dawn: Part 1 (the one with the Abortion Sub-Plot).  Somewhere in the middle is that silly, but ultimately-forgettable film.  While I admit that I am somewhat outside the Demographic for Young Adult schlock like Beautiful Creatures, The Mortal Instruments: City of Bones and others.  However, I am a person who pays to see them (by way of using Netflix), so I feel qualified to critique them.  Other than Hurt and Kruger, the film is really lacking in color.  It is just so damn bland!  When so little of interest happens, you are just left to ask questions.  Why did the aliens pick Earth?  How did they possibly take over when they have to be surgically-implanted in us?  Why did the film choose to completely-gloss over how they conquered us?  Why do the survivors live in the Utah Desert?  People who AREN'T hiding from their alien overlords don't even want to live there!  Seriously, just ask Joseph Smith!  If you are going to see The Host, watch the one with the crazy Tadpole Monster.  Speaking of which, when are we getting the damn Sequel, South Korea?  Your fake-out 'Trailer' was just a giant tease...

Next up, I begin Project Terrible with some more new shit.