Jim-kata: Camel Spiders

Do you even know what a Camel Spider is?  I'm not asking the Director- Jim Wynorski-, I'm asking you.  Seriously, ever heard of this thing?  I hadn't.  Thanks to Wikipedia, I found out and boy does this movie not do them justice.  Camel Spiders are more akin to a Scorpion, but were misidentified centuries ago and people just stuck with it.  They're the animal equivalent of the Dutch Angle.  This film has all of the elements of a bad/silly Syfy Channel film.  It has Brian Krause- sorry, Brian-, CG animals and C. Thomas Howell.  If Wynorski were not involved, I'd swear that this was an Asylum film!  Fun fact: this is another film in which Wynorski is credited as 'Jay Andrews.'  Yes, continue to make porn under your real name and THIS under a fake one.  I assume that 'Andrews' is the fake name, since why would you MAKE UP a name like Wynorski for yourself?  This movie is full of amazing gaps in logic that I just have to cover.  I'll make it as SPOILER free as possible though.  To find out what Camel Spiders aren't, read on...

The film begins in Afghanistan with some soldiers fighting terrorists until the titular spiders kill the bad guys.  Krause and a woman take the body of a soldier home, not realizing that the coffin is housing two Spiders.  Bear this number in mind.

Howell is in this movie playing a Sheriff.  His role early on is to do a bad, fake accent and pose in front of Green Screens.  Yea.

Less than two days after the body is warm, nearly a dozen Camel Spiders come out.  They are also shown in the Desert BEFORE this happens, making more questions be raised.  Speaking of which...

Camel Spiders don't spin webs!  A simple search of Wikipedia would tell you that.  Second...

 In Plot B, a group of College Students and their Professor run across this giant Camel Spider.  While the Professor gets 'all up in its grill' (and dies), the students say that it only has six legs.

In most shots, this one has 8.

My favorite gaffe involves a line about the film taking place in Arizona.  That's silly because a shot of Howell's Police Car has a California license plate.

Either this character is an idiot or they're plot takes place in another state, which would make no sense.  Count the Spiders, people!

Basically, the film is actually two films.  One is about the College Students running and hiding.  The other is about the people in a town- including Krause and Howell- running from the Spiders and hiding.  Most of the cast- which has over a dozen people- are just annoying schmucks.

This guy, for example, is afraid that a photo of him with a gun will show up on Facebook.  No, really.  It prompts this reply...

Unfortunately, the College Student plot ends with a bit of a whimper and a vague resolution.  It's pretty sudden and downer.

The other plot ends with, well, this.  You do the math.  The End.

Your film makes biologists cry.  To be honest with you, I had some fun with this movie.  It's a non-porn Wynorski film, so it has a certain charm.  However, the plot is riddled with hole and scientific gaffes.  Here's my favorite: the Spiders take over a chunk of California (see below)/Arizona really quickly.  Did the two in the crate mate constantly- and both be different genders- to create a tiny army so quickly.  Furthermore, there's a variety of sizes here, ranging from tiny to 4-6 feet.  That would imply that the things age quickly and that somewhere, there is a batch of them continually screwing at regular intervals!  There's also the crap about them having webs (never) or being poisonous (only ones from India are).  Here's the best part: there's no sci-fi angle to them.  They weren't bred by scientists, nor did they nest near toxic waste.  The film, for all purposes, tells you that real Camel Spiders can do all of this!  If that's the case, why haven't we been attacked?  Seriously Jim, your movie is just plain silly.  If it had focused on just the main story (and trimmed down the cast), this would have been a blast.  As it is, it's uneven and hilarious at points.  Take us away, plot hole causing license plate...

Next up, a wrap-up with a film meant for May.  Will aliens be found and will they not make a good movie?  Stay tuned...