Rare Flix: Vampirella

Why have you been hiding this from me, World?!?  Today's film is a Rare Flick.  Why?  Well, nobody has ever really bothered to release it on DVD.  How can you not?  Here's the rundown: Jim Wynorski, Roger Corman and a comic book property butchered to Hell.  Basically, Vampirella is not-so subtle 'porn' for the '70s crowd, what with her sultry costume and all of those covers with actual women posing in the costume.  In 1996, this film version was made with the consent of the comic's creator: Forrest J. Ackerman.  I'm sure he just loved how silly this crap ended up.  To begin with, The Who's Roger Daltrey is the villain, a Vampire with a silly origin (even beyond the space stuff).  The film is Directed by Jim Wynorski and Produced by Roger Corman, although he was mostly a Producer in that he gave the films money by this point.  The other thing to note was that this was Talisa Soto's big shot at a lead, break-out role.  The result: she's not exactly Acting all that much these days.  Mind you, she is married to Benjamin Bratt, so she can feel confident that she's making a huge portion of women out there jealous.  What's not to be jealous of is this film's script.  To find out just how silly this movie truly is, read on...

The film begins 30,000 years ago on Planet Drakulon where...okay, this is a lot to accept, but stay with me.

The evil villain Vlad- Roger Daltrey- is brought before the Council for the crime of Vampirism (as opposed to drinking from blood rivers- ew!).

Using the power of over-acting (plus his henchmen), he kills the Council and escapes...as opposed to taking over.

Oh right- it's cheaper to film in L.A. than to make all of those pesky new sets.  Cut to 30,000 years later, during which nothing interesting happened.

Vampirella arrives via a spaceship from Mars- more on that later- and runs into...Forry Ackerman.  Screw you, movie.  This is about as subtle as me yelling 'THIS IS NOT SUBTLE!!!!!'

She's on Earth for revenge against Vlad for killing her Step-Father and, if there's time, saving mankind, I guess.

Vampirella joins forces with a group of vampire hunters, which includes the most current Van Helsing in the line.  Time for battle!

Who will win in the battle between Vampirella and Vlad the Alien?

 

Ouch!  That's got to hurt.  Maybe he can rebound from thi...

Okay, he was just struck by lightning and dies.  That settles it.

In The End, Vampirella stays behind to possibly turn the Vampire converts of Vlad to good.  Since there is no sequel, none of that shit happens.

This is crappy, crappy gold!  All you need to know is the plot of this silly film.  Space aliens go to Earth and become Vampires that have haunted us for years.  A lady- Vampirella- shows up in a fetish costume- which is never set up- and fights them.  Throw in weird tweaks of Vampire lore- all weaknesses come from long-time exposure to Earth's atmosphere- and you've got a fun mess.  Is it good?  Hell no.  Is it hilarious at times?  Absolutely.  The acting is ridiculous and over-the-top.  The production is cheap and silly.  The film is just a big, goofy mess and I love it for that.  I wish there was a nicer print available, but I downloaded this from a website, so who knows where the source actually is.  I would love to see a DVD release of this, if only for the Jim Wynorski Commentary Track.  Take us away, random Cameo by John Terlesky (Deathstalker 2) and John Landis...

Next up, a film that's a rip-off of a famous film and inspired two non-sequels.  See how a Blazing Saddles star can fail to make this good.  Stay tuned...