Saturday, April 28, 2012

Lock Me Up!: Transmorphers- Fall of Man

Abandon all hope- ye who enter this Prequel!  Seriously, what is the point of this Prequel?  I think it's just for the semi-pun in the title.  In case you need a History lesson, here's a quick one.  Transformers = Transmorphers.  There's a sequel- Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen.  Transmorphers has a sequel now too- Transmorphers: Fall of Man.  See- it sounds like the other movie...if you're squinting and barely-literate.  Any questions?  No?  Good.  On the plus side, this film has Bruce Boxleitner.  On the negative side, it has that guy who Starred in and Directed Titanic II.  If you wanted to see how the world went to shit in the first film, read on...
In the intro, this lady blabs on her cell phone while driving.  After briefly being stopped by Boxleitner's Sheriff, she drives off...only for her phone to turn into a robot and give her a laser lobotomy!
Actor/Director Shane Van Dyke is here playing an Iraq Veteran/Cable Technician.  On the plus side, he didn't Direct this one...unlike Paranormal Entity, Titanic II and The Haunting in Salem.
He realizes something is up when he goes to fix his ex-girlfriend's cable...only for the Satellite Dish to turn into a Robot...and just stand there.  The on a loose schedule.
Finally, the Robots decide to attack...these four people.  Yeah, they're still not aiming all that high just yet.
Our random heroes- including a lady scientist, Boxleitner, Van Dyke and his girlfriend- rush into action at Edwards Air Force Base.  Re-used set from Ballistica- see that bridge?- and Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus?  Bonus!
The giant Legion...I mean, original robot has our friend's cornered.  Only the brave sacrifice of Boxleitner- who can suddenly fly Military Helicopters now- saves the day.
Well, that was a short film, but it could have been a lot worse...

Oh yeah, the world has gone to shit in Transmorphers, so this can't be over with.  What a pointless fake-out.
 Our heroes flee from the City, meeting back up with the Mayor who's only appeared once so far.  If you watched Battle OF Los Angeles, you'll recognize these ruins.
In The End, our heroes blow up a plant run by the robots.  The side-effect: the atmosphere is coated in poison gas.  That was your plan, huh?  All is not well, but the humans will fight!  The End.
This is a story for any other time, really.  To be honest, this film was not all that necessary.  For The Asylum, I get it.  Transformers made a lot of money, which probably helped them make a little bit of profit on Transmorphers.  They wouldn't let a cash-cow go un-milked, after all.  As a side-note: why is there no Asylum version of Twilight?  Not that I want to see that, but I can't believe that they're just letting that blockbuster franchise slip by un-ripped-off.  Back to this film...If I must.  I guess they kind of wrote themselves into a corner with the last film, so they had to go this route.  They could have just done like Paranormal Entity and followed it up with 8213: Gacy House...just because.  Instead, they shoe-horned this odd film into the series, which severely lacks drama right from the beginning.  They try to make it work, but we know how this ends.  As a bonus, none of the actors in Transmorphers appear in this film.  It could be that there is some 'vague amount of time-jumping' between the films, but this might have helped.  Hell, the lead guy from Transmorphers in place of Van Dyke would have really made more sense.  Am I asking for too much?  There is the usual amount of cheesy fun to be had here, be it from the acting or the bad CG effects.  Take us away, Base from Mega-Shark...
Next up, The Asylum adds the letter 'S' to a film title- subtle.  Will this film be Universal-ly bad?  Stay tuned...

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