Lock Me Up!: Titanic 2

Are you laughing yet?  If so, you're approaching this film entirely the wrong way.  Yes, the people behind Alien vs. Hunter, The Da Vinci Treasure and The Day The Earth Stopped made a serious film.  It's still stupid as hell, but it's meant to be a real drama.  The plot is simple: a rich guy builds a model replica of the Titanic and sends it on the same course the original one went on.  Why?  Because it's the 100th Anniversary, of course.  You couldn't just build a statue or something?  Which 'star who should know better is along for the ride' (an Asylum tradition, of course)?  Bruce Davison, most notable to most people as the Senator from X-Men.  Given the quality of Asylum films featuring character actors named Bruce (i.e. King of the Lost World), things aren't looking good.  Just so you know: this is a 2010 film & there wills be SPOILERS.  Get out your Life Boats II for...

The film begins with some familiar shots of icy mountains in the Arctic Circle.  Yes, they re-used the opening title shot from both Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus and 2010: Moby Dick!  The Asylum re-using footage and locations- I'm shocked!  A guy goes surfing on the waves, but a chunk of glacier breaks off and the now-giant wave kills him.  We cut to the ship being sent out to sea, as part of a lavish ceremony.  Of course, we also get some random back-story shoehorned in.  Our heroine used to date the owner of the ship and her father (Davison) is always working.  The latter plot thread seems a bit silly when you consider that he works for the U.S. Government to help avert disasters!  'You missed my Recital to rescue people from a volcano eruption...you jerk!'  The trip goes off without a hitch as Davison is sent out to an iceberg to meet a scientist/plot point.  She's camped out on the iceberg to study how it will break apart soon.  That seems like a bad idea, doesn't it?  Of course, she signed to do an Asylum film, so bad ideas are commonplace for this lady!  Sure enough, the thing comes apart as Davison, the lady and the least lucky helicopter pilot ever flee.  The wave it creates is causing a tsunami...but the boat will be safe.  Unless, of course, it sends icebergs hurtling towards the ship.  Wait- why did I just say that unprovoked?

The ship is full of drama and that's even before the ice hits.  The rich guy wanders around with a quartet of random models.  They are later portrayed as sympathetic characters later, which is an odd thing to do for sure!  Finally, the iceberg hits and the ship starts shaking back and forth.  What's fun to do here?  The extras are either really good runner or trip on the stairs.  Watching the random models suddenly leading people around and giving helpful tips is nice too.  Everything else- meh.  Davison and the scientist spend the whole movie from this point on trying to get to the ship.  Way to use your biggest star as an Act Break between shitty CG effects!  The film makes a point about the ship having plenty of life boats, but this idea goes wrong in two ways.  One- they're life subs...because why not?!?  Two- the ice hits the ship and takes out half of them.  Way to learn from history, you ass-hats!  To make matters worse, another wave is coming...which will kill anyone in the boats.  You can't win for dying!

The film tries to make a lot of drama, but does anyone really care?  They make a big show about saving our heroine's best friend from the lab...but she dies later.  How?  An elevator door closes on her as our heroine tries to, splitting her in half.  The goofy part- the rich guy just walks through right after that with no trouble at all.  They end up trapped in a lower part of the ship with no way out.  Thankfully, Davison is there to save the day by...talking to her on a radio.  He gets them to the Scuba Room- they have one?- and our heroine puts on the only tank remaining.  The others were lost...or something.  The ship's owner has a brilliant plan to let himself freeze in the water, preserving him until he can be rescued.  Yeah, you're going to die.  Davison has his own brilliant plan: go onto the ship and bring her back.  Surprisingly, this works and they swim away before the ship sinks completely and blows up.  Yes, an explosion with that much gas in it is avoidable from so close.  They try to revive the owner, but, big shock, he's dead.  With that dark note, the movie ends with shots of them crying.  No, really.

I can't believe you're serious!  The plot of this movie is so basic that I find it hard to make fun of.  I mean, it's every freaking disaster film ever!  Of course, in Asylum tradition, the plot is stretched past the point of being ridiculous.  We can't have the killer wave alone- so let's have two!  The problem is that this movie is just not as fun as you would think.  I mean- it's freaking Titanic 2!  The stupid, animated film is ridiculous to the point of constant laughter, while The Asylum's film is dull!  How did a bunch of stupid, Italian people (no disrespect) get it 'right,' while you guys got it wrong.  The special effects are a joke- big shock.  Even those are not funny enough to really warrant more than a chuckle though.  The ridiculous events like mega-sharks attacking planes, Moby Dick leaping over a mountain or Tiffany starring in a motion-picture are not here.  You guys continue to find new ways to fail!  Why do I even bother with you?  Oh right- it's just so easy!  If you think that this film will be funny, you're mostly wrong.  If you think that this film will be go- okay, I couldn't even finish that sentence!

Next up, I finally tackle something from the After Dark Horrorfest.  This one features a vague monster, that chick from House of the Dead II and CHARLIE MUR-PHY!  Stay tuned...