Saturday, April 14, 2012

Starch Overload: Children of the Corn- Genesis

Can I just wrap this up already?  The final- so far- film in the series is Children of the Corn: Genesis.  It came out last year as part of the Dimension EXTREME collection.  There are some good films in the bunch, but they're mostly bad, Direct-to-DVD/Streaming films.  Case in point: Hellraiser: Revelations.  Doug Bradley has played 'Pinhead' in the previous 8 films, but they gave him so little notice of Production that he wouldn't agree to appear in it.  Oh yeah, they're also using such a stock subtitle that it was used by The Butterfly Effect 3 and, to an extent, Children of the Corn 7.  In fact, is this part of a bigger plan to make horror film sequels and just slap on Chapters from the Bible to the title?  Can we look forward to Child's Play: Psalms and The Howling: Nehemiah?  I should also mention that it's by the Director of Pulse 2 and 3, such anti-classics.  Thanks, Joel Soisson- I'm sure that your Prophecy sequels are not utter crap too.  I've made it this far, so I can't quit now.  The only interesting part of the film for me: Billy Drago.  No matter how many crappy sequels he does, I still like the guy.  Is his presence enough?  To find out, read on...
The film begins in 1973- adding to the confusion of whether you take the story's timeline or the film series'- and tries to vaguely-connect itself to the series.  This is the first sign of trouble...
A Soldier comes home to find that some evil kids have killed his family and girlfriend/fiancee.  Oddly, one of them dressed up in creepy face-paint.  When did that ever happen?  Furthermore, when does this happen?  Retcon much?
In the present day (I think), a couple's car breaks down and they come across a farmhouse.  Did I mention that this film takes place in California, because that's pretty important to note.  What.  The. Hell.  Movie?!?
Our heroes have to stay the night, but will be free to leave in the morning.  The Farmer- Drago- has one rule: respect their privacy.  So what does this lady do when she hears the slightest noise?  Dumb-ass.
You know what- I'm done with you?  If your plot only exists because this lady is an idiot, I can watch no more.  On the plus side, no SPOILERS.  The End.
You thought I was kidding?  Nope.  This movie is, well, bad.  Let's get to the obvious stuff first.  Why is this a Children of the Corn sequel?  As far as I can tell, that guy in the beginning is Drago's younger self.  Apparently, he keeps some kid in the Barn that has 'Magic Corn Powers,' a phrase that I thought I was done with writing.  Hopefully after this review, I can retire it.  Other than that, the movie takes place in California, has only one child and has no Cornfield.  No, the dream sequence doesn't count!  So what about the other part of the title- Genesis?  Well, they show a Bible one time and it's open to Genesis.  Yeah, that's it.  Children of the Corn 7: Revelation had not a single revelation in it and this film is not the Genesis of anything.  Hell, it's intro takes place ten years after the start of the massacre- in the story and 2009 Remake- so even that's not applicable.  That's the other thing, of course, doesn't it being in 1973 make it contrast the original film aka the good one?  Is this more placating to King and his best bud Producer?  Was this made as a sequel to the Remake?  You do realize how confusing that would be, right?  The bottom line: it's a dull mess that gets goofy at the End...assuming you make it that far.  What do you think about it, Billy Drago?
Next up, a film I heard about in a video and just had to see.  Little did I know that it would be an awful, awful mess?  Stay tuned...

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