Wednesday, April 25, 2012

Lock Me Up (In Pictures)!: 2-Headed Shark Attack

Are you kidding me?  Have we run out of ways to do killer shark movies?  Granted- there are a lot of them. That said, I think that this is kind of the wrong direction.  It's not strange enough that there is a giant shark, but it also has two heads.  I love how the film actually addresses this, but it's a bit like in Raptor Island.  For those who didn't read it, there's a plot point about fooling the Raptors since they have bad eye-sight and see movement.  One character says something along the lines of 'That's true of most Dinosaurs, but not Raptors.'  There's a throw-away line to explain this, but you have a film bringing up it's own Plot Holes for people like me to dissect.  This film never really addresses the whole 'how did a 2-headed Shark grow to adulthood,' but it does bring up the fact that it's odd.  Stop making things so easy, guys!  My point- this is a silly premise.  Can it live up to the hype of The Asylum's more intentionally-laughable films like Mega-Shark vs. Giant Octopus?  To spare you from a lot of SPOILERS, this will be a review in pictures.  To see more, read on...
There's a killer shark.  There's a boat full of Chum...I mean, students.  Charlie O'Connell is their Teacher, so they're clearly doomed anyhow.  Hi, Brooke Hogan!
 ***Sea Cruise...of death.***
 ***Flattering expressions all***
This is the terrifying creature that the film is centered around- react as you will.
 ***Dead Octopus = in-joke?***
 ***Wait- what was I just talking about?***
Will our heroes spring into action or remain entranced by the randomly-size-changing fin?
 ***That's not good...***
What will happen to our plucky heroes?  Will help arrive?  Will sub-par CG effects reign supreme?  Watch the movie to find out.  The End.

Eh, it could be worse.  This movie is pretty hit or miss, usually leaning towards the former.  Don't get me wrong- it's no classic of Cinema.  To The Asylum's credit, they set the bar at just about the right level.  None of these characters are the least bit three-dimensional and most of them just serve to either show skin and/or be killed.  They don't exactly disguise it here.  Is that a good thing or a bad thing?  Depends on how you feel, really.  You don't cast Charlie O'Connell and Carmen Electra if you're going to make 'high art.'  How does the film work as pulp entertainment?  Pretty well.  I can't say that I was always hooked on the story, which sometimes sputters to find direction, but it's functional.  You don't expect me to say that a film by The Asylum is 'great' do you?  There are some fun, cheesy moments mixed in with the melodramatic ones.  There are certainly some head-scratching ones like 'Why do they keep going back to the Atoll when they have working boats?' and 'How exactly did Charlie O'Connell hurt his leg?'  That said, it's a bunch of mostly-good-looking people battling silly-looking CG effects.  If you're in the mood, you can do far worse.  What was I saying again?  I got distracted...
Next up, Aliens attack Los Angeles (since The Asylum films 99.9% of their films there).  Will this film make Aaron Eckhart cry?  Read on...

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