Saturday, April 28, 2012

Lock Me Up!: Universal Soldiers

How are you guys not getting sued all the time?  Seriously, they just added an 'S' to the title of an already-existing film!  They would do this again later for The Terminators as well, an early Paul Logan vehicle.  Hey guys, want to check out my new film- Avatars?  It's even better than my last film- The Dark Knights!  In all seriousness, this film is a pretty blatant knock-off of Universal Soldier, no doubt released to coincide with the release of Universal Soldier: Regeneration.  If you didn't see it, don't.  It's mostly a vehicle for some UFC guy I've never heard of, featuring about 20 minutes of Van-Damme and about five of Lundgren.  Is this movie worse?  Well, I did watch all of Regeneration, for better or worse.  This movie- well, it was a chore.  I'll do my best to make the most out of this film for you, but you are warned.  The worst is yet to come, my friends.  To find out what goes horribly, horribly wrong, read on...
For those who don't pretend to understand Latin, this movie appears to be use the 'In Media Res' trope.  Simply put, the film begins in mid-action (for drama) and eventually cuts back to the main story to set it all up.
Yeah, this film doesn't actually do that.  They just skip the intro- which includes the U.S. making zombie soldiers, programming them and them escaping- and tell you what happened.  SHOW, DON'T TELL!!!!
The movie re-uses the vision filter from Alien vs. Hunter, but throw in random computer crap in the corner.  Yea.
That guy who was a terrorist in one Asylum film, a General in another, a random henchman in a third film and a Mexican criminal in a fourth is now a Soldier.  He's got range!  Plus, The Asylum needs new Actors.
In the worst scene, a scientist- played by that guy from Monster and Hillside Cannibals- talks to the group.

However, he's clearly being filmed at a different time of day, his Audio appears to be 'piped in' & he never interacts physically with the group.  Editing- It's a skill....that The Asylum doesn't have.
Want to know what the evil zombie-robot soldiers look like?  They're guys in black jumpsuits and random pads.

To sum it up, the characters are always bickering, the settings are redundant and there's no cool monsters.  Is there a reason to keep watching?
No.  No, there is not.  Not even randomly-introducing that Robot from the credits- weren't they Cyborgs before- is not enough.  The End.
I'd rather *actually* wander around in a field for 90 minutes than watch this movie!  Where should I begin?  This film is full of bland, unlikable characters.  It's rare that a film gives characters almost nothing to define them and can still make them annoying douche-bags.  Congratulations, Asylum!  These guys bicker over their situation, where to go and other random things.  When one of them is wounded and suffering, one of the group ends his pain.  They get mad at him, since they were planning to drag him to a Hospital...or something.  He had a log thrown through his chest- he's freaking dead!  The movie can't even get the tone right, as the Lieutenant is mocked for falling into a trap...and dies seconds later.  It's supposed to be a surprising moment, but it just feels confused.  Oh and guys- the person you bitched at the whole time was right from the very beginning.  Don't ever apologize or anything.  When a film can't even decide whether or not it features Robots or Cyborgs, you can freely skip it.  Next Asylum film- don't skip the Intro because you can't afford to film it!  Take us away, revealing lump on the Lieutenant's shirt.  Rig much?
Next up, one film film for the month of April.  Just because it annoyed my friends- Knock-Off.  Stay tuned...

P.S. The 'Vaguely-Ethnic Guy' is in like five more Asylum films.  That and he runs a Hiking Company.  No, really.

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