Sunday, April 8, 2012

Starch Overload: Children of the Corn V- Fields of Terror

Well, it's a start...kind of.  After the last, unrelated film in the series, we see a chance for something better.  Granted, the series hasn't been consistently-good since the first film.  This one at least brought back the number to the titles, so, um, yea?  The plot of this movie is, unfortunately, about the same as any bad slasher film made in the last thirty years.  Random people get lost in a town that happens to have a killer/monster/cult in it and has to escape/save someone.  It gets sillier throughout, attempting to make happenstance seem like a plot device.  The film is notable for a couple of Casting choices.  First off, it's Eva Mendez's first film.  She's so bad in here that she has even joked about it publicly on The Tonight Show.  Second, the film has a pair of B-Movie Legends: Fred 'The Hammer' Williamson and David Carradine.  It's just a shame that they're barely in the film, although they do give it the best moment.  Finally, it's male lead is Alexis Arquette, who doesn't exactly like to be called that any more.  Awk-ward.  If you want to know more about the actual film, read on...
In the intro, a kid wanders through a Cornfield and walks up to a fire.  It shoots some CG energy at the kid, apparently making him into the new Corn Damien...sort of.  More on that later.
For no good reason, he kills this guy outside of his house.  For even less reason, this takes place 1 Year Later from the intro.
The best part: he never uses these powers ever again.  No, really.
Our main characters are a quartet of people- including Arquette and Mendez- looking for their two friends- one of whom is Ahmet Zappa...for some reason.  Arquette is the one on the right.  He/she looks a bit different now.
Random Cameo: Kane Hodder as a Bartender.  This one of the many films in which he gets a minor role in return for being the film's Stunt Coordinator.  Trivia is fun, huh?
Fred Williamson is the Town's Sheriff and he mostly just mugs.  He doesn't like 'the young folk'...until the plot just dictates that he be helpful.  At least the lazy writing has been consistent in this series!
David Carradine plays Luke, the leader of a Cult that worships He-Who-Walks-Behind-The-Rows.  You know, that cult based on the idea that Adults are inherently-evil.  Yeah, that's not a gaping plot-hole or anything...
One of the group gets depressed and finds some clarity in the Cult.  To that end, she climbs into the Silo and 'joins' He-Who-Walks-Behind-The-Rows...who is now a big, ball of fire.  It's gone from a red-eyed monster in the book to a cloud monster to a Cthulu-esque creature...and now this?  Confusing!
In the film's silliest- read:greatest- moment, Williamson confronts Carradine (since the plot said so).  Carradine freaks out, glows and his head splits in half.  All of a sudden, a small object pops out and blows fire into Williamson's face!!!

What.  The.  Hell.  Was.  That?!??
Our heroes get whittled down to one, but she manages to put out He-Who-Walks-Behind-The-Rows with some Fertilizer and leads the Cult away.  She is unable to save her brother, but does adopt his new baby...who's evil.

Don't worry- none of this is ever followed-up on.  The End.
I'm...not sure what to think of this one.  The plot is such a weird conglomeration of lazy writing and coincidental events.  Our heroes get lost and wander into the town.  As it turns out, our heroine's missing brother joined the Cult- how they called him is never explained- that just so happens to be here.  Oh and the plot device of them being out there to spread their dead friend's ashes flies away as quickly as the actual ashes themselves do when the car crashes.  The movie has some good action in it, although no kids are actually attacking adults.  Well, there's one, but he's the film's 'Isaac' so that's not really a fair statement.  This is just teenagers- or adults playing them- attacking and killing other teenagers.  When did the 'Children' part of the title become irrelevant?  Speaking of missing things, why the hell does their Leader use powers in the intro and never again?  Wouldn't the power to make people be struck by lightning help at other points?  Furthermore, the elemental theme of the film switches to fire, from He-Who-Walks-Behind-The-Rows burning some Firemen to the aformentioned Carradine/Williamson scene.  The bottom line: make a cool opening, but follow it up.  The film is pretty bad, but does have some goofy charm to it.  Not enough for me and Fred though.  Right, Fred?
Up next, the only film to feature a returning actor.  Does Isaac's inexplicable return lead to a better film?  Stay tuned...


  1. Okay, since you're watching all these movies now, can you PLEASE tell me which one has the death where the corn ties up a person's ankles and wrists and then one goes around their neck and pulls up so you see the spine and stuff? Has that happened yet? For some reason, I've always loved this kill but can never remember which movie it was one - because there's like, 500 of them, you know?

  2. I assume you mean the scene in 'CotC III' where the Cornfield attacks to the two heroes. It grabs his black friend- naturally- and pulls his head way up into the air.

    I just added it to the review of 'Children of the Corn III: Urban Harvest' just for you.