Sunday, March 31, 2013

Mondo Bizarro's Top 5 Worst Films EVER (So Far)

To close out Anniversary Month, let's look at the Five worst films I've ever reviewed.  Why 5?  Because you can't handle 10, that's why!

Actually, it's just shorter and easier to write- sue me.

5. Cthulhu (2007): This one makes the list almost solely for two reasons: deception and disappointment.  First, the film is NOT about Cthulhu, nor is his/its name even said ONCE in the film.  Second, the film has almost zero horror.  Instead, it's mostly a mopey drama about this gay guy returning home.  If you like 20 seconds of make-up effects in 90 minutes of film, you're not going to love this shit!

4. Good-By Uncle Tom: Almost 4 years later, this thing still baffles me.  Seriously, the makers of Mondo Cane and Mondo Africa were accused of being racist (they kind of were) and faking footage (which they did).  To counter that, they made an intentionally-fake Documentary about their analogs visiting the Antebellum South and seeing the conditions of Slavery.  This 150 plus minute film is dark, bizarre and only features three different songs.  It's a bad movie endurance test!

3. Hobgoblins 2: I still have no idea why this movie exists!  Basically, the Director of the original took a Script that he claims to have written shortly after the first film came out- in 1987- and made it in 2009.  No, really.  His excuse: I was busy making other shitty movies.  The bigger problem is that this film is both a Remake and a Sequel...somehow at the same time.  It's a worse version of Hobgoblins- something that I never thought I'd see.

2. Jaws in Japan: Are you really surprised?  For as much as I hate Found Footage movies, most of them are better than this.  This film- released here as Psycho Shark- is about two busty Japanese ladies (good so far) going to a beach resort (with only one other person) and...watching someone's camera footage.  Seriously, 60 minutes is given to this.  The last five minutes (yes, the film is only 65 minutes long) are set-up for Japan's worst Special Effects ever (see the new banner).  This is amazingly-bad and would be #1 if it were not for...

1. Roller Gator: I made a terrible mistake.  After seeing a review of Max Hell: Frog Warrior, I tracked down this movie.  I thought that this film would be funny, since it's about a rapping Alligator puppet that was spray-painted purple.  Sadly, the film has a soundtrack that never EVER stops, is stupid and not even good for a laugh.  If they stopped playing that guitar for a second or two, I could laugh at the bad puppet work or Conrad Brooks' hilariously-bad acting.  I couldn't.  Don't be fooled- this one just hurts.

So that brings an end to Anniversary Month.  I look forward to more shit movies- and some good ones- in the future.  Keep reading and I'll keep writing.


  1. Hobgoblins 2 was really bad, almost as bad as the atrocious first part.

    Haven't seen the others, but I really like to see Jaws In Japan. Goofy title, goofy cover artwork - yay!!

  2. 'Uncle Tom' is on YouTube- one in English and one in Italian, actually. I may have to give you that one later.

    As for 'Jaws in Japan,' I'll gladly let you borrow (read: keep) my copy. You can have it when you come down to Florida later.

    Seriously though, I did warn you.