Saturday, March 30, 2013

4th Anniversary Review: 1313- Hercules Unbound

The first question is obvious- why are you doing this?  Why would I possibly review a 1313 movie, let alone of my own free will.  Well, it's a complicated answer.  For one, my goal is always to find something that I wouldn't think of doing.  Case in point: I have a Bollywood Sci-Fi film arriving today.  Why not?  Second, the goal is also to show that I can handle everything.  After years of shit movies like Hobgoblins 2, Ghoulies IV and Amityville 8, I've established a reputation of shying away from nothing.  However, the 1313 films have been infesting Netflix for a couple of years and I've always avoided them.  Another thing to note is that 1313 films have been all over Project Terrible, just not by me.  That's not counting their predecessors like other David DeCoteau films- poor Maynard.  So, before anyone has considered punishing me with my own weapon, I'm doing it myself.  I'm just twisted that way, I guess.  So what is 1313: Hercules Unbound! about?  It's about shirtless guys posing, pretending to sword fight and more posing with the loosest of loose plots.  To give you an idea of how shallow this film, it clocks in at 70 minutes- with Credits!  It's really the worst Hercules film ever- shock of all shocks.  That leads me to the final reason that I picked the film (and why I picked it over 1313: Black Widow): Lou Ferrigno.  He's not in this piece of shit (obviously!), but his son is.  Yes, Lou Ferrigno Jr aka Louis Ferrigno is here.  He's not playing Hercules like his dad did in two epically-awesome '80's films though.  More on him later.  To see how nobody can torture you like you, read on...
You want to make the film tolerable (without Fast Forward)?  Take a shot every time they throw up this static picture accompanied by over-dramatic music.  You can trade it out with the other shot of RUINS of Greece or...
 ...the freaking sky!  This sky pulls triple-duty, however, as it is a filler segue shot, the shot used for when Zeus talks (just this- no other effect) and when Hera (sounding more doped up than Carey Fisher) talks.

Half of the time, this is just a segue shot, which confused the hell out of me.  I kept waiting for Zeus or Hera to dump exposition...but nothing happened.  Ugh.
The so-called plot involves Hercules going to a training camp and being a complete dick.  Aphrodite- aka the only chick in this film- is assigned to protect she sends him to a training camp full of people, one of whom poisons him.

"Quick- I need to hide you from the assassins.  Let's go to Ford's Theater!"
So yeah, I watched this movie, but fast-forwarded through all of the scenes that were just the guys posing and/or running.  This is just a glimpse of what I glossed over.  Enjoy, some people in my audience.

Weird aside: this guy does Capoeira moves in his routine?  Looks neat, but YOU ARE FROM ANCIENT GREECE!  Douche.
So, get this, Aphrodite is charged with protecting Hercules (or Heracles if you know shit about history).  To that end, she makes a potion to make him less conceited (no, really).  This is immediately dosed with poison by a villain.

You were born from the sea foam created by Uranus' severed balls..of fail.
 Hercules is poisoned by a toxin that makes him lose his strength.  It won't kill him...apparently.  He learns about humility and decides to fight the villain- who has University of Texas tattoos- to the death.
After the world's worst sword fight- seriously!-, the villain dies and all is well.  Hera just kind of gives up, since she ran out of Xanax.

Wait- this is only 59 minutes.  We need to hit 70 minutes somehow!  
 Quick- more posing!  That will fill out the run-time.  Hurray!  The End.
So that was...not a movie.  Yeah, this doesn't really qualify for a number of reasons.  For all the jokes that we on the Internet make about Twilight constantly ripping off Taylor Lautner's shirt to appeal to 'the ladies,' they don't waste five minutes with him and the other Werewolves posing.  As I type that, I actually wonder why that didn't happen.  Regardless, it does happen in this film.  Actually, it would be more accurate to say that 'a little story happens during this posing' instead.  Seriously, I fast-forwarded through all of the posing footage- I'm not that crazy- and basically watched a 25-minute 'film.'  If you take out the padding shots of the RUINS of Greece, it's a bit less still.  Seriously, why so shots of RUINS of Greece in a film that's totally set there.  By 'set there,' I mean 'shot at the same L.A. Beach House that every 1313 film is shot at,' of course.  They really don't do much to disguise this either, as they show a Palm Tree wrapped in Christmas lights (see below) in a number of shots.  I guess DeCoteau and the D.P. were just too distracted by man-abs to actually check for continuity.  You want to know what the worst part is?  I watched this due to Lou Ferrigno Jr. being in it?  Who does he play?  THE VOICE OF ZEUS!  So yeah, I kind of screwed myself here.  If this review taught you anything, it's that I make very poor life choices.  Hurray?
Next up, a film that missed the cut back in Old vs. New Week.  It's the end of the World as we know a bunch of teenagers have sex.  Stay tuned...


  1. Ha, this sure sounds familiar! No plot, shirtless guys posing: it's exactly like the 1313 movie I had to watch. And this one looks just as awesome as that was... and by awesome, I mean absolutely wretched.

    I recognize that pool, too - same one from 1313 Bermuda Triangle! Guess they really do use the same house for all these movies.

  2. I knew that they re-used the same damn house for every film. No shocker there.

    I do find it a bit funny that I got possibly the ONLY ONE that wasn't 'Guy wanders around house, gets killed, guy wanders around house, etc.'

    Not that what I got was good in any way, but it was different. I suppose the other one with Ferrigno Jr. (hopefully actually APPEARING in it)- Night of the Black Widow- was closer to the formula. Oh well- no way to EVVVVVVVVVVVVEEEEEEEEEEEEER find out. *wink*