Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Asylum Crap: Bigfoot (2012)

Asylum films are always crap.  Granted, some of them have notable good aspects to them (some ironic, some not).  That said, they're still not good movies.  While bored one night, I decided to watch another of their films- Bigfoot.  It's about, well, you figure it out.  Unlike other Bigfoot films, this one is much more of a rip-off of a different film- King Kong.  It's a slightly-gigantic Skunk Ape, as opposed to your usual 7-9" one.  The Asylum likes to 'go big or go home,' so I shouldn't be surprised.  It also allows them to up the scale of the story, bringing in not just hunters, but Police and the National Guard.  This, of course, makes the movie silly as hell and helps me get a good laugh out of it.  The downside- the actual comedy is really not that good.  It's a film that tries to make you laugh, but fails.  At the same time, it tries to be serious and makes you laugh hysterically.  That's the mark of a bad film- an hysterically-bad film.  To find out just why this truly is, read on...
After Stock Asylum Opening Shot For Credits #5, we get a really pretentious opening scene.  It shows the Cycle of Life/Death.  I have two questions:

1. Do fish really eat Frogs?
2. Are improbably-large Bigfoots the top of the food chain?  Really?
All of the non-Bigfoot drama is built around Barry Williams and Danny Bonaduce, who play former band-mates and rivals.  Get it- one was on the Brady Bunch and one was on The Partridge Family?  Laugh- dammit!
Here's the really odd thing to realize: Bruce Davison plays the Town Sheriff, but is also the Director.  No, really.

There must be a story here, right Bruce?
The titular creature goes on a series of rampages.  While the CG looks decent on its own, there are always problems.  For example, there's this...
...or this scene at the big Festival.  You are possibly the dumbest people ever.
Speaking of dumb people, Alice Cooper gets the 'rubber match' for his film career (Monster Dog, Prince of Darkness).  Unfortunately, it doesn't err on the side of good.  Sorry, Alice.
The creature's rampage is not without its casualties, including those in the budget.  How else do you explain this glitch in the creature's skin texture?

Oh and the creature is supposed to be burned for the latter half.  He rarely is, however, because continuity requires hard work. 
As a new-ish film, I won't SPOIL the Ending.  All that I will say is that it is amazingly-silly, amazingly-stupid and hilarious.  The End.
There's no getting around it- this is a dumb movie.  There are points where this film tries to be a Comedy, which may give them somewhat of an out.  However, so much of the film is played for Drama/Suspense, so that flies out the window.  Every character has some sort of drama to their back-story, whether its the fractured partnership of Williams and Bonaduce or Sherilyn Fenn's vaguely-explained mission to finish up her father's job.  The big thing to judge is the action.  Judged on actual quality, it is pretty bad.  The big problem is that the CG Model of Bigfoot never seems to maintain scale.  In one scene, it grabs a guy and they look super-tiny.  In a later shot (in the same scene), people appear to be as tall as the creature's leg.  Here's another one: a key Extra (she's a character, but, doesn't do anything) runs from Bigfoot and is killed.  In a later scene, she's just kind of around again.  Holy Space Mutiny, Batman!  Now as far as being a laughably-bad film, it works!  The film's goofy effects and off-scale creature make for some great, unintentional laughs. I especially love a scene where they find a print and measure it with some tape.  In the next shot, this lady crouches inside of the print, which is suddenly bigger than her.  Guess what happens.  Ultimately, if you want to laugh at a film that tries for something big, but falls on its face Tosh.O style, check this out.  If you like good movies, keep ignoring Asylum films.
Next up, Shaft is back in a film that most of you probably haven't heard of.  To see what led to Shaft in Africa, read on...

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