Thursday, January 10, 2013

This is REAL: Sand Sharks

The movie is called is Sand Sharks.  That's my joke.  The End.

Alright, fine.  I can't get away that easily, huh?  Today's film is Sand Sharks, a movie attempting to ride the popularity of the 'ironic' monster movies.  You know the movies, right?  Hell, I've reviewed most of them.  Stuff like 2-Headed Shark Attack, Piranhaconda and Sharktopus is what I'm talking about.  The films have a mixed track record for me, but they must be doing well enough on Cable/DVD.  I don't buy them, personally, but someone must be doing it.  Supposedly Sharkopus is the highest-rated thing on the Syfy Channel in recent memory too, so I can see why stuff like Dragon Wasps is getting made.  The film, as you can imagine, is about Sharks that 'swim' through the sand and kill people.  One thing to address is this film's labeling on Netflix as a 'Comedic Thriller.'  While it has some comedic characters in it, the film is mostly played straight.  Believe me, I am NOT about Horror Comedies, unless they somehow rise above that description like Black Sheep does.  If you want a glimpse at whether or not to see this film, here it is...
In a drawn-out opening scene, two BMX Bikers are killed by the titular creature.  Mind you, this appears to be filmed IN A DESERT, but they somehow tie it to the beach later.

Oh yeah, the movie does get points for reminding me of the Lost Tapes episode about the Mongolian Death Worm.
After a truck-load of character back-story and exposition (it's not all that interesting, honestly), the 'Prodigal Son' of the Mayor- played by Edgar Allen Poe IV, no lie!- returns to set up a big beach festival.

Meanwhile, the titular creatures slowly begin to rack up their body count.
 I'd just like to take a moment of your time to show you what a real Sand Shark looks like.  That is all.
When they finally realize that a silly Shark is loose, the Sheriff calls in a Scientist: Brooke Hogan.  Not since Christmas Jones has there been a less believable Scientist in film history.  Congratulations, Sand Sharks.
As a bonus, the bizarre hybrid of Mickey from Rocky and Quint from Jaws is on board too.  His role is pretty small, turning him into more of a Plot Device than an actual character.
For the semi-climax, a Beach Party Bingo is interrupted by a Shark attack.  It's not just one Shark- it's a half-dozen!
I won't SPOIL what happens, but sufficed to say people die, Sharks explode and all sorts of body parts go flying.
Honestly, it sucks less than you might think.  While I didn't care a whole lot for the characters, I didn't hate them either.  To give me a Monster Movie where I don't hate all of the characters- especially in a Modern film- is a notable achievement.  That said, the Acting is Poor to Average at best.  Nobody has a real 'stand-out' performance here.  Given that the film's 'big stars' are Brooke Hogan and Corey Nemec, so what do you expect?  The Special Effects...are not that great either.  In HD, the blending of the CG to real-life is a mixed-bag.  That said, the silly CG does have its own style to it.  It's not just Generic Shark Model #2.  Granted, it's Generic Shark Model #2, but colored differently and covered in stripes/spots.  The whole thing is goofy, which is why I like that they play it seriously.  The comedy you do get is not that great, but its generally punctuated by the annoying person being eaten by a Shark.  Since it's set mostly at a beach, there's plenty of skin on display too, which is always good for a distraction.  Is Sand Sharks the low-point for ridiculous Monster Movie plots?  No, not by a long shot...
Next up, I return to Seagal territory.  Russian accents, lazy cops and body doubles- oh my!  Stay tuned...


  1. Unfortunately I have seen this film. I wish it wasn't a real thing...

  2. Ugh, too many crap-CGI-shark-movies out there - though I'd definitely watch Sharknado. The tagline is hilariously brilliant! :D

  3. Judging by your screen caps, I see only two reasons to watch this movie. Hint: There's a necklace resting between them.