Saturday, January 12, 2013

Alec and the Fatman: Driven to Kill

Steven Seagal is a gift that just keeps on giving.  Today's film is Driven to Kill, a 2009 Direct-to-Video Action Thriller.  In the film, Seagal plays a former-Russian Gangster who...let me just stop right there.  I know what you're wondering: does he do the accent?  To my surprise, 'yes.'  It's still a shit version of the accent, but he is mostly trying to do it the whole time.  Before you give him too much credit, he still uses a Photo and Stunt Double in this film.  Yes, a Photo Double- since he's too busy to walk in and out of cars/doors/building.  Back to the story, Seagal comes home for his Daughter's Wedding, only for things to go awry and for him to start killing people.  While he's somewhat-justified here, I think that Seagal would go on a killing spree if his laundry was lost.  While it's not the worst of the lot, it does leave me plenty to make fun of.  To see what that is, read on...
Seagal is Ruslan- also the UK Release title, apparently- a Russian Gangster-turned-Author.  How he's managed to stay alive while doing this is anyone's guess.

You know he's a real bad-ass because he damages his friend's bar in a pointless fight and uses an Arm Double for this shot.
I also feel the need to point out how condescending Seagal- or the Writer's- view of Russians are.  Seriously, this is how you think that they all dress?!?
 While back in New York (not really) for his Daughter's Wedding, trouble strikes.  His ex-wife (who married a jerk lawyer) is killed and his daughter is put in a coma.

Of course, the DVD box would make you think that they kidnapped her...since they want you to think that this is somehow Taken 2.  That one is far more disappointing (or so I've heard).
Seagal 'rushes' into action by joining forces with his almost-Son-in-sort-of-Law.  He's the son of a Russian Gangster as well, which is just an amazing coincidence.

I'd say that this proves the old adage that daughters marry people like their dads, but her groom-to-be isn't 300 lbs!
He takes the young man under his wing, showing him how to torture people for information.  Why don't you water-board him while you're at it?  Or, even worse, make him watch Attack Force!
The dad finally gets shit in order and decides to send a hit team (led by himself, as one is prone to do) to kill the Daughter once their informant tips them off about her actually being alive.

Yeah, there's a sub-plot where Seagal tells everyone that she's dead...and the Police go along with it!!!
Brace yourselves, folks.  There's no easy way to prepare for you this rare, monumental image.  More shocking and awe-inspiring than a double-rainbow, it's...

Steven Seagal lightly jogging!  Ho-ly crap!!!
Brief side-note: this guy on the right gets a lot of screen-time in the finale.  I have no idea what he did to deserve it.  He must know the random, giant black guys that Seagal fights in every other film.
 After a silly, back-and-forth battle (during which Seagal makes an improvised explosive...out of a grenade he already has), Seagal fights the villain.  He takes a single cut on the cheek- not seen since Under Siege 2-, but this guy gets STABBED THROUGH THE EYE WITH A GUN.

With many bodies in his wake, Seagal has made peace, at least until Driven to Kill 2.  The End.
The fat has hit the fan...but not nearly as bad as it usually does.  Most Seagal films have one major thing that you have to ignore to like it.  For example, Attack Force has the hilarious re-dubbing, while Flight of Fury flat-out stole its plot from an '80s film.  This one has a lot of minor things to pick apart, but the core story is decent enough.  It's one of those movies of his like Maximum Conviction where you go 'If someone other than Seagal was here, this could be a really good movie.'  Imagine the plot of Against the Dark without Seagal wandering around the same sets and killing Vampires/Zombies while barely moving.  This film would definitely be better with someone like Stallone or a Gary Daniels-type. With Seagal, it's alright.  There's not much more to say than 'It's alright' really.  Seagal does a good amount of his own fighting here.  Like many Seagal films, the shoot-outs (padded to cover the minimal amount of fighting) go on too long and get a bit dull after a while.  If you're going to watch a Seagal film un-ironically, this is an option worth considering.  Take us away, subtle and deceptive Cover Art...
Up next, a look at a series of films that...are barely a series.  It's time for the '90s trope of Teenage Temptresses to get their due on Mondo Bizarro!  Stay tuned...


  1. hey, it may sound a lot like Taken 2 but at least it's better than Taken 2. Still definitely not Seagal at his best, like in the early days.

  2. Lord, is he still making movies? I haven't watched anything he's done since HALF PAST DEAD.

    Great review though!

  3. For the record, I haven't seen 'Taken 2.' I just wanted to poke fun at it based solely on the general consensus about it.

    Either way, they're making a third one (I think).

    As far as Seagal still making movies, he is still VERY MUCH making them. Although, it's more accurate to say that the movies are being made around him at this point.