Wednesday, August 15, 2012

Lock Me Up!: Dragon Crusaders

Now for Number 2- joke fully-intented!  This is Dragon Crusaders, another Asylum Dragon film.  To be fair, the plot is different.  The plot is still stupid, full of holes and builds up to a whole lot of nothing, but it is different!  This film involves some Knights Templar- who I guess escaped the torture and eye-gouging of their comrades- who try to help save a Village.  All it takes is one dumb Witch-in-Training to screw that up, however, sending them off on a quest to stop an evil Wizard.  Uh oh- Merlin's gone rogue!  I kid, but 'Merlin' is here.  In fact, most of the major Actors from Merlin are here, including the Ladies of the Lake, the Commander and even the random guy who gets killed by grabbing Excalibur first.  I'd say that it was a Merlin reunion...but they probably never left.  It reminds me a lot of how the same cast of Actors were in The Beast of Bray Road, Dracula's Curse, Legion of the Dead & King of the Lost World- all realized between late-2005 and early-2006!  This really speaks more about me, as I can recognize repeat Asylum actors and the roles that they played.  Before I get myself psychological help, I have to review this movie, so read on, you crazy diamonds...
In a random, Syfy Opening scene, this guy is killed by a Dragon.  Alright then.
In the actual plot, a fishing village is attacked by Pirate-lite villains.  Amongst the people, this wannabe-Xena.  You totally make sense in this plot, lady!
They go on the Pirate-lite's boat to rescue the Witch-in-Training, only to find that she put a curse on the boat.  Anyone who has spilled blood will turn into a monster.

Okay- obvious question time: why the hell would you turn killer 'Pirates' into killer monsters?  Do you just hate everyone?  Are you a moron?!?!?
Quick- save them, Merlin.  Oh sorry, you're 'Insert Generic Fantasy Name Here' the Knight Templar.  When did they recruit you again?  Yesterday?
The curse takes effect, but works at different times depending on how much 'evil' the Knights have inside of them.  Translation: having them all turn at once would kill the movie's premise.
After much adversity (mostly from each other), they face off with greater forces like this evil Wizard (who looks like an evil Kyle Gass). 

Fun Fact: our hero is killed, but brought back by Irish Magic.  How much does that factor into the plot?  It never comes up again- naturally!
After failing miserably at first and running away, our remaining heroes use the highly-explosive rocks/silt mined right by the Dragon/Wizard's Lair to blow it up.  Science says "why not?"
As a bonus, those that were transformed into monsters turn back to normal.  It would totally kill this 'happy ending' to have them check on their friend that they decapitated- who would now be a head-less human.  A happy 'Merlin' says The End.
It's not any better the second time.  The plot of this movie has potential, but it has to cheat to really work.  The curse is so specific for the plot, just to make it work.  The Pirate-lites transform right away...but are never shown.  Is there any pay-off to them?  Nope.  When there's one guy who's not transformed, he's killed within minutes by the first Templar to transform.  So much for the potential drama of being the one guy who has to decide whether or not he has to kill his friends, huh?  The curse effects them slowly and at different times.  I get the reason for this (as a movie), but in the actual plot it's a bit goofy.  Here's the other thing: this is just an excuse to make them fight the Wizard.  They pretty much say at one point that they would fight him regardless of whether doing so would break the curse.  "Ha ha- I cursed you, Superman!  Now you'll die if you don't constantly rescue Lois Lane!"  This film- like Merlin- does have its moments, but it mostly falls flat. Re-using the same cast- including the Ladies of the Lake- doesn't help at all.  If you want a great summary for the film's quality, just look at the DVD Menu.  None of it matches- not the Dragon's color, the hero, not even the hero's outfit!  It looks like a Green Dragon is fighting Almighty Thor!
Next up, The Asylum copies a movie that grossed $11 million out of its $80 million budget.  On the plus side, they got 'Burt Gummer' on board!

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