Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Alien Week: Alien Lockdown

Stop me if you've heard this one...or will hear it again later this week.  Today's film is Alien Lockdown, a film so generic that I could re-use segments of old reviews in place of a new one.  I mean, I won't...but I could.  The plot involves an alien breaking loose in a lab and some Marines coming in to kill it.  They try to cover up how paper-thin this is, but to pretty much no avail.  Any 'flourish' they add just feels tacked-on and sometimes silly.  On the plus side, Martin Kove is hear to ham up the whole affair and add a little color.  On the negative side, just about everything else.  I found myself so apathetic towards the film that I started to read a book while watching it.  I'd get alerted by every musical sting or yell, but that was about it.  Even so, I watched it, so you have to read this.  Don't you try to skip me, mister/missy!  To find out what you already know, read on...
In a long, silly opening scene, a narrator talks about a meteor that crashed into the Earth.  It was fought over for generations- even being carted around like the Ten Commandments- before ending up in some rock where a guy finds it.

What impact does this have on the plot?  Pretty much none.  No, really.
Buried in a mountain (next to Arvin Sloane from Alias, no doubt), there is a government lab.  In it, a scientist explains that he used the gem to help create a super-invincible killing machine as a 'nuclear deterrent.'  Seconds later, it starts killing everyone.

Seriously, is this a parody of this kind of movie?
A young lady is sent in to 'clean the mess up.'  Her Boss is Martin Kove.  Yeah, that means that he's barely in this movie.  Boo.

I should also note that this Marine is doing this, but it's *big shock* her last mission.  It should end well, I think.
The woman and her group of commandos enter the building to survey the damage.  Hope you like the color green.  Somewhere, Hal Jordan is crying tears of joy.
Gee, I wonder if this guy is up to no good.  All he did was make an nigh invincible alien, splice his DNA into it and then run away like an evil guy.  It all checks out.
You rarely see the alien in this movie, so I'm doing you a favor with this shot.  Then again, am I?
Not content to just have this awkward mix of Predator/Alien, they also have it be able to create a bunch of little aliens.  Why did the Scientist put this in his 'nuclear deterrent' again?
Who will win- killer with an inexplicable conscience or this generic alien thing?

Do I really have to answer that?
Yes, despite this being 'her last mission,' she doesn't suffer an heroic death.  She, instead, flies off into the sunset with the one good Scientist.  The End.
So yeah, that was a movie.  I wish I had more to say, but I really don't.  This kind of like the Mad Libs of movies...if everyone tended to fill in the same options for every blank Noun and Verb.  There's nothing new here.  There's nothing exciting here.  It just exists and it ends without any fanfare.  Could you imagine how infuriating that could be?
Next up, Marc Dacascos is a good alien and must battle Billy Zane, who is an evil alien.  There's no way that this premise could fail!  Stay tuned...

1 comment:

  1. Yep. This one looks like a doozy! Whooo-boy...that alien is pretty bad!

    Not going to lie....I'm a masochist and I'll probably have to watch this now just to see it in....er...."action"