Instant Asylum: Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies

Are you able to actually top the theatrical film?  Today's film is Abraham Lincoln vs. Zombies, a film that should be absolutely awful on its own.  Well, it's not.  To answer the obvious question, I have not seen Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter, nor have I read the book.  I got my friend the book a while ago.  How is it, Bob?  Anyhow, what I know about the film is that Bill Oberst Jr is in it.  Given his own thoughts on his other Asylum starring role, it's nice to see him get a role that seems to fit him.  The character of Lincoln is straight-laced, while the environment and plot are not.  Thankfully, they don't try to play this movie for laughs.  There are probably times when they are a bit too maudlin, but that's debatable.  The plot involves Lincoln going personally on a mission- you'll have to accept this fact- that turns out to be a zombie infestation.  What started it?  They don't say.  Can they end it?  Not addressed, either.  If you want a taste of this movie- tastes like Chicken- and whether or not you'll want to see it, read on...

In a cold open, young Mr. Lincoln has to kill his parents with a scythe.  Who hasn't been there, right?

I should mention that this scene has almost no bearing on the plot.  It was in the Trailer to the more-famous movie, so it's here!

In the present (of 1863), Lincoln hears about how a mission has gone awry.  When his top man is killed by a zombie, he goes instead.  Yeah, you really have to ignore how goofy that is.

Lincoln has not forgotten how to kill zombies since...that one time they showed him doing it.  He also carries his fold-up scythe at all times.

You know, it's useful now, but it must have been awkward for the last 30 years of NO ZOMBIE ATTACKS.  I'm just saying.

Abe goes to a fort alongside the Secret Service.  They were invented *because of* Lincoln's assassination, but why should I question a movie in which zombies are deaf?

They say that politics makes strange bed-fellows.  Well, the same can be said about Civil War-era zombie attacks.  Whether it's a famous Confederate General...

 ...some 'women of ill repute' and even...

A young man would later become President.  SPOILER ALERT: He doesn't die here.

With lots of time and zombies to kill, Abe doesn't skimp on the action.  Kill those zombies, Rapist Priest!

 Even if he saves the day, what is it that dooms Lincoln to his historical fate?  To find out...watch the movie.  The End.

In spite of everything, I liked this movie.  Yeah, I said it.  It's not good in the classical sense, but it is a lot of fun.  To the film's credit, they don't go campy.  It certainly would have been easy, after all.  Lincoln cuts zombies to pieces and makes a joke about severing the Union.  Don't get me wrong- they still work in the jokes, but make them a little more subtle.  The thing that makes this movie work is Bill Oberst Jr.  It may sound like I'm kissing his ass, but he actually does a great job here.  He plays the film 100% serious and it works because of that.  He never lets on that he's making jokes or in a film with a goofy premise.  Say what you will about Asylum films- I certainly do- but they managed to make a fun one here.  My only real complaint is all of the CG blood.  I get it- it's cheap and easy to just add in post-production.  Just do one movie with squibs and fake blood- just for me!  The film is, as I said, is silly and fun.  Check it out while it's Streaming on Netflix.  Would you rather watch Alien Origin?  I didn't think so.  In closing, a quick lesson on what is fake and what is real...

Next up, the first in a five-film set of Alien films.  First up, an alien wants to be free and some military guys say 'nah!'  Stay tuned...