Thursday, August 9, 2012

(Delayed) Adrian Paul Week: Alien Tracker

Alien languages are easy to decipher than this mess of a film!  Today's film is Alien Tracker, a movie that I meant to do last month.  Shit happens, so here it is now.  (Alien) Tracker was a show.  It was made in Canada.  After 22 episodes, it was cancelled.  Some genius in Marketing said 'Chop three episodes together and call it a movie!'  Here's the thing: they did a shit job of it.  It's not like I haven't seen the Backdoor Pilot-turned-film idea before, be it The Immortal or Bates Motel.  I even own a film called Sting of the Black Scorpion, which is really just three episodes of the Showtime (I think) series randomly-chosen.  That film doesn't pretend to have structure.  Neither did Darkest Knight 1, 2 or 3, which are similar compilations.  The stories start and stop- stupid, but simple.  This film is somewhat in-between, trying to keep a structure while also being three episodes put together.  They utterly fail at this.  I'll get into more detail as to how in the actual review.  All you need to know is that Paul is an alien (in a human body- thanks, budget) that hunts alien criminals (also in human bodies) down to put them back in space jail.  To see how badly they can botch this, read on...
After a silly intro in which The-Entertainer-Formerly-Known-As-Chyna kills a guy in the same way that Derek Zoolander's Male Model friends died, we see an alien narrate about his arrival. 

In true Critters fashion, it scans a a Corn Field and we get Adrian Paul...Underwear Model Alien (and not the master of running).
He ends up with this lady who is way too accepting of the situation & he tells her about his mission to capture aliens. 

One awkward Edit later and he's in mid-car chase with Not Chyna.  They have a silly fight scene and he kills 'her.'  That was ten minutes well-spent!
Due to some more wonkey Editing, our heroine flees the fight with Geraint Wyn Davies, only to re-appear in the same place seconds later.  Shockingly, the guy who's almost always evil is evil. 

He's the mastermind behind the body-stealing plan & just leaves Paul alive when he could easily kill him.  He am smart!
Furthering the confusion, we get a '6 Months Later' card.  This skips over important plot points with Paul getting settled in and starts us right in on a plot involving the capture of one of the prisoners by the eeevil U.S. government.
In the middle of all of this, we get a Sub-Plot involving our heroine and her friend looking through her Grandmother's diary.  In the show, this might be important.  In the film, it means nothing.  Why.  Is.  This.  Here?!?
After Paul escapes, the idea of the recurring villain in Evil Government Guy is shot down by his character being re-assigned by his paid-off General boss. 

In more lovely Editing, we go from him being paid off by Davies (how?  Who knows?) to suddenly hiring him to resurrect the alien fugitive killed in the Government Facility.  Thanks for that.
I didn't even bother with the 'Third Act.'  Why?  Because they suddenly introduce this guy who works at the Bar and knows that Paul is an Alien.  This was meant to make sense, right?  The End.
I want to hire a guy who can find the logical flow of this story!  I don't mean to always sound angry about shitty movies, but I can't help it here.  This is a decent-enough-looking show that is Edited into shit to make it a cash-in movie.  If you liked the show, you'd be annoyed by the awkward cutting and decisions over what to keep itn.  Important scenes happen in random order, they usually end quick and the stupid scenes (like the Diary part) have no pay-off.  Seriously, what is the pay-off there?  There's a super-tiny part in which she finds a metal pyramid amongst the stuff, but there's no mention of it being important.  In next episode...I mean, part of the story, we see a similarly-shaped object displayed on Paul's computer.  So, yeah, what was the point of all of this?  They never explain.  You took time to leave in a random scene like that, but don't how how this new character who appears an hour in works at the Bar, knows our heroine and knows that Paul is an Alien?  Priorities, people!  In another awkward Edit, Davies tells a fellow Alien that Paul has 'captured 20 of us already.'  The movie shows us TWO- nowhere near twenty!  Show, don't tell!  It's not like this was probably a great show, but I can't imagine that it was worse without the film Edits.  If you like the show, watch the show.  If you like movies, watch just about anything else.  Nice Cube reference, 'movie!'
Next up, a film about zombies that I've nearly reviewed four/five times.  No longer with this uncreatively-titled film go un-reviewed!  Stay tuned...

1 comment:

  1. Geez, this sounds Wind and Cloud-level confusing. O_O

    I caught a little of the actual TV show when it was on, and it was far from Adrian Paul's best work from what I saw, though it did have him doing a nice job of the (admittedly generic, but still often fun) "alien completely out of touch with Earth culture" archetype.

    Sounds like whatever potential it might have had at all was utterly lost in this film, though. O_O