Sunday, April 24, 2011

Rabbit Day: Kottentail

Peter Rottentail- you've got some competition!  After last Easter, I thought that no film would top the utter shit that was the Polonia Brothers' film.  I'm still not sure if this one did, but it's definitely a competitor!  This film is Tony Urban, a Director famous for, well, nothing.  He has 6 credits as a Director, but I have not heard of any of them.  Let me say that again with more emphasis- I have not heard of them.  I own Godzilla 1985, Scanner Cop II and freaking Elves & I have not heard of these films.  On the plus side, if they are anything like this film, I should be glad.  After all, this is his most recent credit as a Director (from 2007), so it's probably safe to assume that this is his most-polished film.  The plot involves a mutated rabbit turning a man named Hans Kottentail (no, really!) into a bunny-mutant-man.  He's pursued by a cop, some strippers and one of Hugh Hefner's three girlfriends.  This is going to hurt me more than it will hurt you.  Get out your doll collection as we meet...
The film begins with a lot of pretentious and silly comic-book panels for credits.  Why?  Good question.  This continues throughout the film whenever they make a transition or scene change.  This isn't based on any comic book that I'm aware of, so what is the point exactly?  Aside from that crap, we get a story involving a researcher (Bridget of Girls Next Door fame), a toy rabbit and her boss.  The guy gives it some other sort of injection that it's not supposed to have, which happens right before it escapes.  It runs across a farmer named Hans and bites him.  For some reason, the rabbit is always a toy.  I get that it might need to be a toy when you're injecting it with stuff (although, the shot is easy to fake), but why is it a doll when the guy is just holding it.  Of course, the thing bites him and he slowly begins to transform.  Before any of that can really amount to anything interesting (not that it ever really does), the movie insists on throwing ten or twelve random scenes and sub-plots.  It's a recurring theme recently, what can I say?  Oh yeah, none of this is funny- no matter how hard they try.
Slowly but surely, the guy becomes a mutant rabbit thing.  He starts a killing spree, although it's a pretty lackadaisical one.  Never mind the logic of him turning into a rabbit and killing people!  In between these scenes, we get more randomness involving some prostitutes and Bridget (yes, there is a difference!).  The latter looks for the rabbit, ultimately doing a partial striptease for a guy to get the information.  That was pointless and you didn't even really show that much skin.  Why did they hire you again?  I'm sure that this movie has a point, although it's in no hurry to get there.
After a lot more random scenes, the movie finally gets to a point.  That point- to have the women in the film dress up like rabbits to lure the creature out and kill it.  Oh- that's why you hired her, huh?  Yeah, that was worth 90 minutes.  As a bonus, the film doesn't even have a happy ending.  Double yea.  The End.
Where are my Peeps when I need them?!?  The plot of this movie is dumb.  That's really all I have to say.  It could explain why, but that would be kind of silly.  I mean, it's about a rabbit who bites a guy and the man turns into a half-human/half-rabbit monster.  This is not meant to be taken seriously.  Unfortunately, this comedy is very much lacking in laughs.  It tries- it just fails.  There may be a demographic for this movie, but I'm certainly not it.  This is a premise that could be fun.  Unfortunately, it was made by a guy who can't Direct, Written by a guy who can't write well (also the same guy who Directed it) and the whole thing just feels cheap.  Hey, if you're not going to try, why should I?  On the plus side, almost nobody has seen this movie.  I don't expect that to change.
Up next, Project Terrible Week begins officially with the mother of all tween vampire films.  Yes, my soul is damaged, so your's will be too!  Stay tuned...

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