Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Project Terrible: Twilight Saga- Eclipse

Freaking finally!  I'm on the last Twilight film (again- so far), so let's get through this as quickly as possible.  This film wraps up most of the plot points from the last two films.  You may wonder why Meyer wrote four books as a series and choose to write in the trilogy format.  That's a good question.  The film version seems like it's going to be more awkward if they really plan to make it into a two-part finale.  We're going to have a five-part film series?  Weird.  This film finally has the climax of the two-film build-up of that red-headed vampire lady running around the woods, as well as the rash of vampire serial murders.  They still leave something for the last film/two films, but it's just the romance stuff.  Yeah, I totally care about this.  We finally get a major vampire-on-vampire battle here, so I'm sure that it won't be a huge disappointment after over five hours of on-screen build-up.  Open your eyes before you close them again, because we have an...
* After an opening scene involving a guy being attacked...somewhere that's not Forks, we get this shot.  No, really.
* A weird sub-plot involves Edward paying to fly Bella away to see her mother for a weekend in order to hide her.  Don't worry- he still stays and stalks her.  Creepy!
* These guys are back.  Before you laugh at their appearance, take note of how only a couple of them are actually in good shape.  I mean, if you're going to be shirtless on camera, wouldn't you hit the gym a bit more?
* The big problem with this movie's plot is that it introduces three other sub-plots via flashback...and these are more interesting.

First- a flashback showing Indian 'werewolves' fighting a pair of Victorian vampires.   Why are we not watching this movie?
* Second- we learn that one of the ancillary vampire characters was gang-raped, turned into a vampire before  death and getting her revenge.  Why aren't we watching this movie?
* Third- 'Harpo' gives his back-story about being converted to a vampire during The Civil War and serving under an evil vampire lady.  Why aren't we watching this movie?
* After 90 minutes, we get the battle involving that red-headed lady, her group of 'newborn' vampires vs. the good vampires and the 'werewolves.'  Awesome!

* This fight is over in five minutes (counting the fight involving Edward and the red-headed lady separately).  Lame!
* Wait a second- did that guy's head just crack off like a statue?  Are vampires made out of plaster?  That's got to be a mistake.
 * Okay- are vampire supposed to be made out of plaster?  How come nobody seems to talk about this weird idea?  How do you gloss over this?!?!?

* Oh yeah, Bella is going to get married.  Yea.
Please end this!  The plot of this movie leave a lot to be desired.  This whole film series (again- so far) does!  The movie spends about six hours building up Bella getting married (but not in this film) and a five-minute fight between a bunch of vampires and giant, wolf creatures.  Couldn't you spend six hours of fighting for five minutes of Bella's romance instead?  I know- I'm asking a lot.  This movie takes the romance film and the horror film, throws them in a blender and this fishes out as much of the horror stuff that it can.  Your film series is about a war between two tribes of vampires, but chooses to focus more on some bitch who has the hots for a scrawny jerk.  Incidentally, this movie also does a great job of taking decent characters and making them awful.  Edward realizes that 'bitch be tripping' and leaves, but eventually relents and marries her.  Jacob is a nice and giving character, but ultimately turns into a date-rapist due to her constant 'yes-no-yes-no' routine.  You're a horrible person and make everyone around you horrible!  I'm afraid to watch the next one/two film/films.  If I do, will I become a child molester like Edward's face?
Next up, I finish off my selection of Project Terrible films with a film that didn't make the cut last time.  It's an anime film so weird that even I couldn't make sense of it!  Stay tuned...



  1. I think part of the fun (charm?) about these films is how it's all about Bella. You know, Me Me Me type shit... she totally wrecks everyone around her because she's just a self centered, grumpy frumpy with hot smelling blood. These movies send so many "bad messages" to young girls and for that I find them hilariously uh, amusing. You need to review the next two films. At least there's a sex and more bloody violence (grossness) in the next one.

  2. For the record, I have seen 'Breaking Dawn, Part 1.' I didn't rent it though- my brother did.

    Good golly Ms. Molly, it sucked! It took 45 *f-ing* minutes to build up to that wedding. You've already had at least 6 hours for that.

    Quite frankly, I'll probably only do the final two films if pressed to. That said- I probably will be.

    Only time (and those jerks that I call friends) will tell...