Kaiju Small Battle: The Guyver

The 80s and 90s were weird times for cinema. Everyone and their mother was in love with rubber and Styrofoam suits. Not all of them were that great (see Friday's review), but most of them were entertaining. The catch is that they have to be played a bit ironically. Does today's film handle it right? Find out in my review of...

The Guyver

The movie begins with a silly prologue explaining that aliens named Zoanoids established Earth as a human colony. Suck on that, Christians! It also states that they made a mysterious device called The Guyver that can turn humans into weapons. So, why did you make that? We actually get the answer...in the sequel.

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In the present, a Japanese scientist has stolen the device and hides it. He is confronted by three henchmen- one of whom is Jimmy 'J.J.' Walker- in river basin. The leader comes out and- Holy Crap- it is Michael Berryman from The Hills Have Eyes (the original). The mild-mannered scientist transforms into a weird lizard-fish mutant (Of Course!), so Berryman does as well. They fight, but it is pretty one-sided. The scientist dies and turns into a skeleton instantaneously. All of this happens in the first five minutes of the movie by the way.

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We are introduced to our hero, a chump that takes Akido. His lady pal shows up, but is side-tracked by a mustachioed Mark Hamill. She is told that her dad died after reporting to the FBI about the Chronos Corporation. Just to note: the actress is Chinese. Anyhow, she gives us some exposition about how her dad was a scientist at the company. Our hero, being a complete dumb-ass, thinks that Hamill is a potential threat to his manhood. This is the guy from Laserhawk that we are talking about! Get used to our hero's dumb mindset though.

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The movie is really weird in tone and style. Basically, all of the villains are Zoanoids and turn into monsters. Most of the time, they do it off-camera as they pass objects such as lightpoles. Who do they think they are- Superman? All of the monster suits are really weird and tend to be mixes of animal traits. One of them appears to be part-werewolf, part-Gremlin and part-caveman from Deathstalker. Plus, the idea that Berryman turns into something uglier than himself is mind-boggling. The fights often resemble deleted scenes from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers...only good.

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This film continues to get weirder as it goes on. The third act involves a battle at the Corporation headquarters. All of the scientists turn into monsters and fight with the young woman over the possession of The Guyver unit. One of the scientists is played by Jeffrey Combs and he turns into a furry pinhead. The head of the company is played by David Gale, giving us a minor Re-Animator reunion. The Guyver pops out of Combs' chest and battles the villains. After dispatching them all, he goes mano-a-mano with the C.E.O. Unfortunately for our hero has to battle him after he turns into a giant alien-dragon-dinosaur thing. He pulls out a victory though, saving all of humanity...until the sequel. You can't win em all, buddy.

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Is this movie good? No. It's ridiculous, silly and random in tone. Is this movie really fun to watch? Ab-so-frigging-lutely! You have the 'Dynomite' guy turn into a fish/Predator monster and fighting a guy that makes Hakaider look big-budget (more on that movie later). It also has one of my new favorite lines of cinema- "I'll make you slap yourself into oblivion!" Classic. The thing to understand is that this movie does not take itself 100% serious and does well in that regard. They walk that fine line of being silly and being too self-referential, a line that Troma constantly trips over.

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If you liked The Guyver, but thought that it needed more video game spies, you are in luck. Stay tuned...