Blockbuster Trash: Bryan Loves You

I should have known better. I really, really should have known better. I saw this movie when it was one of the six or seven new releases that week. As my bad luck would have it, I got the three movies that I cared the least to see (the others were Re-Cycle, which was not bad, and Vengeance, a future review). This movie was bound to be dumb, but I thought 'why the hell not?!?' That movie was 'hell' alright. Find out more in my review of...

Our story begins with Tony Todd appearing and telling us that everything that we are about to see is real. The footage was recovered later by the FBI and must be seen. To review: famous movie star Tony Todd is telling us that the movie he is presenting is real. Right. The movie proper begins with a nerdy couple filming a bit of home movies explaining the basic set-up. A lady friend of theirs is having some weird moments at work. She is a school teacher and everyone is talking about someone named Bryan. In fairness, everything after Todd looks pretty real. By that, of course, I mean that it is badly-lit and barely-audible.

The movie jumps to the teacher's classroom, which apparently has a security camera in it. This just happens to get the entire shot they need in it to boot! The Principal makes an announcement over the P.A. that they are going to pay tribute to Bryan. The kids put on stupid masks and recite a chant. When the teacher shows no interest, one of the students attacks her, before being pulled away. We cut to a couple days later and our heroes have not seen the lady. They go to her house and, naturally, bring a camera to film everything. Since they are both psychologists and love to study cults, this all works out well for them. After a few minutes of them meandering in the dark, the crazed teacher bursts out of the bathroom with a knife. They kill her in self-defense, shocked by this turn of events. The real shock- I am still watching.

The next scene is possibly the dumbest in the history of contrived coincidences. Our hero finds a house on the edge of town that is full of Bryan's followers. They leave their building, but not before one of them does the 'suddenly turn around towards the camera' fake-out scare. With the cult mere feet away, the man goes into their house and closes the door. What?!? He touches all their stuff and reads a random book they left out that talks about Bryan. Without getting caught, he goes to a friend who explains some bullshit about Bryan being some unrecognized Saint or something. If the film won't properly explain things, then neither will I! Our heroes secretly film a cult ceremony in a Church rec room, but the girl is kidnapped. The effect of her feed cutting out from capture is sort of interesting, but overshadowed by everything else.

Unfortunately, the movie is full of pointless, silly performances that kill any drama that the film might muster. First, you have George Wendt as...well, a crazy guy. He goes to see our hero for his treatment, but just says weird things. It is a performance right out of a school play- I blame the director. The other is Lloyd Kauffman as...well, a different crazy guy. He does nothing good and just yells about how he knows kung-fu. The less said about him, the better.

The movie only goes downhill from here. Our hero's girlfriend is locked up in the cult's basement, which has three different security cameras. They cut away before we see any torture done to her. Did the FBI cut away or did an E.M.P. go off? The guy gets too close to the truth and gets locked up in a sanitarium by the powers that be. If you ever wanted to see a bunch of nobodies play mental patients, you are in luck. The guy eventually manages to get away, thanks to the timely intervention of annoying-old-man-who-produces-New-Jersey-crap. It all leads to...sorry, no spoilers today. I will say this though: the ending really makes the beginning a bit confusing and improbable. This is why you write the ending of a mystery first and work backwards, idiot!

*

This movie is utter crap. The acting ranges from over-the-top (stupid Wendt) to overly-subdued. Is it because of the actors trying to portray real people? No. They just cannot act. If I was to try and act again (my friend's un-finished film Highlander: Heritage being missed already) and could not do it, I would not be praised for my 'subtlety.' The hidden/hand-held camera gimmick can be interesting if done right- it is not. Does being low-budget allow me to give the movie leeway with some issues? No, not really. If you cannot make a movie without a million dollars, do not do it. I won't judge you for waiting. If you make crap like this, I will definitely judge you. Try again, Seth Landau!

*

How about a return to bi-polar theater? I will kill you! I'm sorry- let's not fight. Stay tuned...