When I don't plan on watching a movie and have to find one with my friends in stores, certain problems arise. What happens when even I have never heard of it? What if the box is a complete and total lie? Where in the world is Carmen Sandiego? Okay, that last question is silly- we all know where that lady is hiding. Anyhow, when you pick a movie based on plot synopsis alone, it is a big gamble. Does it pay off? Sometimes. Unfortunately, most of the time you get stuff like...
You know the guy from the seminal film Pumping Iron? No, not Arnold. I mean, the other guy. No, not Lou Ferrigno. If you guessed 'Franco Columbo,' then you would be right. Known for such roles as 'Future (read:other) Terminator' in The Terminator and 911 Security Officer #2 in The Running Man, Franco has only paid for his house thanks to Arnold. However, in 2003, he decided to branch out on his own...finally. Unfortunately, he made a shitty action movie co-starring Daniel Baldwin and Richard 'No seriously, I am still alive' Lynch. When the best you can get is the stars of Bare Witness and Scanner Cop (review coming soon), there is no hope for us all.
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The movie begins with our elite military unit (led by Columbo and Baldwin) attacking a military convoy as part of a mission. Actually, it involves the barely-in-shape men sprinting lightly down a hill and shooting at a limo. That's basically the same, right? This scene is sad, especially because they do not edit around the fact that Baldwin slides most of the way down the barely-steep hill by accident. Nothing good follows this, but I must go on. Later on, we learn that our hero Franco has stopped being a mercenary to, wait for it, spend more time with his family. This consists of his mentally-handicapped daughter (who still out-acts him by a mile) and his father. They live in a fairly nice villa, which must have cost most of the budget to rent. A crazy, rich guy (Lynch) comes into the picture and wants Franco's squad to do one more mission for him. This sounds safe, right?
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Basically, the guy wants some generic 'McGuffin' in order to gain immortality or some bullshit. Listen, if you looked like Lynch, would you want to be that way forever? Unfortunately, said item is guarded by the spirits of ancient warriors past. This leads up to the big battle between...nobody. Despite the title, said ancient warriors only sort of rear their head at the very end of the movie. Instead we get a couple of dull shoot-outs, a hostage situation and an old man blowing up a helicopter with an RPG. Okay, so it's not all bad. One infamous part involves the F/X guys putting a muzzle flash on Baldwin's gun before it is even close to in place. If you wanted it to look like he shot a car window and nothing happened, then mission accomplished. We get a pretty funny shot of Franco running down a corridor with two guns as well. Yes, having two guns automatically makes you Inspector Tequila. Plus, you look like a T-Rex when you do that.*
I apologize for this review being shorter than most, but there is really not much to say about this movie. It is crappy, fairly dull and badly-written. The only laughs come from Franco's inability to act at all and stuff like Baldwin slipping. When Daniel Baldwin cannot commit to acting seriously for your movie, what hope is there? On top of that, I almost feel bad for Lynch being in this movie. Yes, I am sad that the guy who played the villain in Trancers II ended up in this movie. As if it could not be worse, the place I rented this from lost the disc and blamed me for it. Yes, I wanted to watch this movie again so badly that I stole it from you. I should pay you $40 for your one copy of a film that nobody else has ever rented but me. Feh.
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Let's cover something a little better. Oh wait, I don't do these movie. How about one from Jim Wynorski instead? Stay tuned...
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