Deep Space Crazies: Dracula 3000

You just know that a movie with this title is not going to be good. There is no way that this movie is going to be the next Citizen Kane, Casablanca or Porky's II: The Next Day. But can it be entertaining in any way? Can the sheer audacity used in the casting of so many bad actors make it good through sheer force of insanity? Find out in my review of...

Dracula 3000: Infinite Darkness

The film begins with Udo Kier's ugly mug being weird and creepy. He yells out sadly as the ship announces that it will not self-destruct. 'Oh no, I will live another day...only to be killed in such films as Cigarette Burns and Mother of Tears.' We are next introduced to a cast of space castaways led by Casper Van Dien. Well, in as much as anyone can be led by Casper Van Dien. Their introductions feel straight out of an 80s cartoon show. We get a drug-addict, a bitchy lady, a scared lady, a smart guy and a big dumb guy. This is the quality we get, people.

*

Basically, the crew wants to make some mo-ney by bringing in a ship that has been missing for 50 years. Through a series of increasingly-hammy video logs, we find out why. Meanwhile, our crew lightheartedly jokes about things like pretending to die and chasing each other like a monster. Ha ha ha...inappropriate. They eventually uncover the body of a man who has been mummified...somehow and has tied both of his hands to a chair...somehow. We get the first hints of vampires in the movie...which is not really a secret. Dracula's name is in the damn title!

*

The first one to be converted is Coolio, er...I mean, 187. He revives himself, looking a little different. His super-strength is a new feature, as is his ability to make really lude and stupid come-ons to Erika Eleniak. Thanks for constantly talking about how attractive she is movie- it's not like it was in her contract. We are then treated to the most outdated and silly-looking Count possible ever put on screen. Even amongs the shitty spaceship designs (count how many times you get the same hallway), the laziness of his design is just bad. Plus, when you can stand out as being stupid looking in a cast of only seven people (I don't count Udo's bits), that is saying a lot. He does not do much, save for cry like a little bitch later on.

*Unlike Detention, this movie has no qualms about killing its cast. Coolio dies after his 600th bad line (too late, movie), while the unnecessary Mina dies off-screen the first time. She makes an appearance later, looking like a reject from Queen of the Damned. They even kill of Van Dien's Van Helsing because...err, I guess they thought it was clever. Hey, however you want to kill off the star of Starship Troopers 3: Marauder, I can live with. Dracula looks menacing enough, but does all of his action off-camera as well. Major deaths, real action and Erika's boob fail to make actual appearances in the movie, so what's the point? Oh and the ending is immensely-stupid. Not only that, but it is really drawn out. Make your dumb joke and end, movie. The End.

*

This movie is really, really bad. It stars Coolio, the guy from Starship Troopers, the other lady from Baywatch and a guy who is only famous for being the villain from No Holds Barred. Throw in everyone's favorite scary German in a pointless and thankless role & you have some utter crap. What else could you possibly expect from this film? The second you see this crappy box on the shelf you have to think 'this is going to be painful.' You are right- it is. That said, the film is so utterly immersed in terrible quality that it is kind of funny. Not funny enough though.

*

What happens when you put a horror-based singer in a horror film? Nothing good this time. Stay tuned...

Edit: I could not get this out on time Friday night due to a combination of work and 'rocking.' As such, I will 'double-post' today to keep my schedule and all my readers happy. Have fun, my baker's dozen.