All For One Week: The 5th Musketeer

All for one and one for...way too many pointless stars.  Today's film is The 5th Musketeer, a 1979 film full of a bunch of inexplicable stars.  Seriously, this is like the Mad Libs of Big Budget Film Casting.  We'll have the Musketeers played by Jose Ferrer, Alan Hale Jr, Cornel Wilde and Lloyd Bridges.  Seriously, that's the only explanation!  As a bonus, the combined role of Louis XIV and Phillipe will be played by Beau Bridges.  Never mind that he's the son of one of the Musketeer Actors!  Oh and why the combined role?  Well, despite being billed as just another Musketeers film, it's actually an adaptation of 'The Man in the Iron Mask.'  Granted- it's by the same Author and they are in it, but it's still a bit deceptive.  Fun Fact: Alan Hale Sr. was in a Silent Film version playing 'Porthos,' who Alan Hale Jr. plays in this film.  Okay, it's not that interesting, but it is obscure.  The film has even more crazy casting going on, but I'll get into that in the official review.  To find out if I hate this film as much as just about every Netflix review online, read on...

Can you imagine being stuck between Sylvia Kristel and Ursula Andress circa 1979?  You're one lucky bastard, Beau!

 The Musketeers, alongside Phillipe, meet up with Colbert, who is played by Rex Harrison.  No, he doesn't even attempt a French accent.

They get captured and Phillipe is hidden away.  As it turns out, he's Louis XIV's twin brother, so they have a crazy scheme to use this...

The evil villain is played by Ian McShane, complete with a silly wig and bright outfits.  Remember this shot while you're checking him out as a Killer Santa on American Horror Story: Asylum.

The crazy plan: put Phillipe in place of the King and kill him, only for the real one to appear and claim to be immortal.  It's a silly plan, but what do you expect from a guy dressed in that much pink?

 They try to blow the shit out of Phillipe, but he escapes and kills his potential assassins.  As a bonus, he gets to meet up with the Princess of Spain (Kristel).

So, to summarize, Beau Bridges hooks up with both Kristel and Ursula Andress in this movie.  Damn son!

When the Musketeers find out, they're kind of pissed.  Being our heroes (and with the film only half-over), they don't actually kill McShane.  That won't bite you in the ass later.

Iconic Actress Olivia De Haviland appears in this film as her final role.  Amazingly enough, she does jack shit, save for showing up at the end of the story.  Great.

Our brilliant hero manages to get captured again.  Seriously, you suck.  Time to rescue him Musketeers!

 They do just that and he gets to marry the Princess of Spain, thanks to Olivia showing up to say 'this is my son.'  Well, it's not a lie!  The End.

This...is not that great.  To be fair, it's a decent telling of 'The Man in the Iron Mask.'  It has all of the '70s star power that the '90s version had in its own decade.  That said, it's still not that great.  The Acting is not all that great.  The Production Values are nice, but don't make up for all that much.  The Casting is so weird and random that it's almost distracting.  Seriously, why cast Beau Bridges and Lloyd Bridges in the same film and not make them related?  It's not as silly as casting Joey and Matthew Lawrence together & not making them related like Pulse did, since they are far better Actors.  The gimmick of casting nothing but older Actors as the Musketeers forces the film to use a mix of silly fighting (hitting people with buckets, etc.) and Stunt Doubles.  It's a bit distracting, really.  On top of that, the movie is full of things that look just plain silly, whether it's the Iron Mask (more like a crappy Iron Man helmet) or the lack of authentic accents.  Most of all, I'm mad at them cutting before some sure-fire comedy.  In one scene, they explain that Colbert speaks Spanish, which he'll use to plot with the Princess.  They cut before showing it, however, depriving of us the experience of hearing Rex Harrison trying to speak Spanish.  For shame, movie- don't tease us like that!  In the End, the real winner here is Beau Bridges.  It almost makes up for being in The Wizard.

Next up, a change of pace with a Musketeer film set in modern-day (of 1988).  See the all-star cast...of David Hasselhoff and Cheech Marin.  Stay tuned...