Saturday, December 15, 2012

Project Asylum: 666- The Beast

Who the Hell requested you?  Today's film is 666: The Beast, a rip-off of a film...that doesn't really exist.  For one thing, it's rare that The Asylum makes sequels.  Hell, even when you would think that a film would lead to sequels- see Paranormal Entity- do not generally.  On the flip-side, films that you've probably never heard of- Killers- have a sequel!  Did you expect logic from the folks behind Nazis at the Center of the Earth?  So yeah, this is the sequel to 666: The Child, a film that only exists because someone decided to Remake The Omen in 2006.  In 2007, this film was hurriedly put together.  According to one source on IMDB, the film was put together in roughly 8 weeks.  That includes the Writing, Location Scouting, Set Design, Filming and Post-Production.  Why such a hurry?  Well, that's because Blockbuster needed their shitty movie- and they needed it yesterday!  As a bonus, this was apparently written as a safe, simple horror film originally.  However, the Christian funding fell through, so they added tits and gore to help sell it internationally.  Does this sell a recipe for success or failure?  To find out, read on...
Right off the bat, you have to accept something pretty big: adult Donald doesn't look ANYTHING like kid Donald.  Even The Asylum realized this, as shown by how they selected their flashback clips.
In the early scenes, this body appears to come to life and kill this Morgue Technician (who is the sister of Not Damien's bride).  Do they explain it?  Does it really matter?  No.
This ritual killing is clearly supposed to be really dramatic.  All I can think though is 'Why would a Satanic killer 'crucify' someone right-side up?'  The whole upside down crucifixion thing is kind of their deal.

As a bonus, she comes to life too, killing a Cop in the process.  It has zero pay-off.
In the actual story, Donald gets promoted to VP of *sigh* Global Corp.  No, really.

Oh and is it petty for me to point out that they clearly Photoshopped the lead's hairline forward?
Remember how I mentioned that tits and gore were written in at the last minute?  Yeah, it's pretty obvious.
  The whole investigative sub-plot dies a sudden death when the remaining Cop (who never mentions the other man's death) tails Evil Boss and gets killed, evil people.  Bye pointless sub-plot!
Faster than you can say 'Anakin Skywalker,' Donald- who apparently forgot being evil as a kid- turns to the dark side.  They invested $50 into those red lights, so they're going to use them, dammit!
The climax of the film takes place in this Church as Not Damien must kill the Priests and stop his child from being born.  Blah blah prophecy blah blah priest kills.
 Donald takes out the 'priest fodder,' but dies like Damien in Omen III: The Final Conflict via dagger.  This leads to the most boring and drawn out ending since American Warships.

In a nutshell, it's 'there will be a sequel' talk.  Well, there's not.  The End.
It's not quite Hell on Earth.  This pretty disappointing.  The actual story is dry and really doesn't work like they think it does.  In a way, I'm both happy and annoyed that they decided to add the more salacious content.  On one hand, it helped me stay awake.  On the other hand, it comes the hell out of nowhere every single time.  It was clearly not added in any organic way to the story.  That said, the story itself has some serious issues.  Having that scene in the beginning with the seemingly-dead guy coming to life is a little confusing.  Was he really dead?  If so, how the hell is he the now the President of Global Corp?  Here's one- why the obsession with Isreal?  The film's plot involves Global Corp trying to buy up Israel's diamond rights...and somehow start World War III.  The film has David Michael Latt attached to it- the man behind The 9/11 Commission Report- and was originally written as a Christian-themed Thriller.  I get that Israel is important and all, but this whole 'Everything ties to Israel' thing is a big distraction.  Throw in random Satanic sacrifices and it just feels out of place.  The bottom line: this is an even more cheaply made Omen III.    On the plus side, they skipped right past Damien: The Omen Part II.  They lose points for this super-lazy sign though.
Up next, I take a look back into the early history of The Asylum.  If it looks like a film you saw recently, it is actually a coincidence this time!  Stay tuned...


  1. Hey, now I know the end to Omen III! I haven't watched that yet!

  2. One- I did you a favor. It sucks.

    Two- You've had a couple decades to watch it by now. What was your excuse?

    "I'd watch Omen III,'s Omen III."