Saturday, December 8, 2012

All For One Week: The Musketeer

All for one and one for pointless wire stunts!  Today's film is The Musketeer, a film that is not exactly on anyone's Top 10 List.  I'd wager that it's probably not even on that many Top Ten Three Musketeers Film Lists!  It's an interesting idea for a film...just with a silly execution.  The film is pretty much the same story you've seen a dozen times before.  What's different?  Silly, silly action scenes involving jumping, flipping and splits.  Was that necessary?  I mean, you're already wearing big outfits, hats with feathers and sword-fighting- that's enough!  Regardless, this film exists, so I'm going to review it.  To find out why people feel the way they do, read on...
Remember that how 'Show, Don't Tell' thing?  Yeah, they still haven't figured that out.

Tim Roth shows up as the villainous henchman.  What's French for 'cliche.'

In actuality, he shows up to kill D'Artagnan's parents and give him a revenge plot.  My question: isn't he screwed as a swordsman with one eye.  Peripheral Vision is key!
It's right here- ten minutes into the film- that you see the big problem.  While this looks...interesting, there's zero reason why anyone would do that in a fight scene.  EVER.

This is just a micro chasm of the film and it's problems, mind you.
While I did watch more of the film, is there really any more to say?  The film could be a diagramming of American Exceptionalism or a Study of Geographical Wealth Disparity...but it'd have that scene in it.

This shot kind of sums it up.  The End.
If I attached some wires to my legs, would I be funnier?  In all seriousness, I don't hate this movie.  It's like the kid next door buying Air Jordans to cover up for it having the same backpack for four years.  Sorry, Billy Mitchell- you're still not cool!  Adding wires and silly stunts to a tired, old story is not special.  Adding a revenge plot to the tired, old story is not special.  It's not even a creative way to do the revenge story- it's a tired, old revenge plot.  I didn't even bother watching the whole movie.  I mean...what's the point?  Even Catherine Deneuve and Stephen Rea couldn't make me care.  The fact that Netflix would only Stream the film at Low-Resolution- Two bars?  Am I a commoner?- was just the service doing me a favor.  Take us away, face that means...something.
Next up, we begin Project Asylum with...the Three Musketeers.  I'm really brimming with creativity, huh?  Stay tuned...

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