Tuesday, December 4, 2012

All For One Week: The Three Musketeers of the West

All for one and one for...stupid-ass comedy.  Today's film is The Three Musketeers of the West, a film that I doubt many of you are familiar with.  It's probably up to the 'crazies' out there like me who have this weird obsession with watching every film ever made.  We don't tend to use any discretion, which would I explain why I saw this film before I ever saw Guillermo Del Toro's Cronos.  This film is...made for a very specific audience.  That audience: fans of Terrence Hill.  I'll give you a minute to Google him.  Back now?  Okay.  Hill is very comparable to Jackie Chan.  He brought comedy into what was a very straight-laced Genre, only he did it with Westerns.  The result: some films that people either love or find stupid (like me).  I don't mean that he's stupid for trying to make them.  Instead, I mean that watching Super Fuzz made me feel like my IQ was ticking down like a clock in a Time-Travel film!  If you like them, great.  Some people decry films like Airplane and Caddyshack for the same reason, so I try to be fair.  I give you all of this build-up to tell you pretty clearly how I'm going to feel about this film.  If you want to see how a Period French Action story translates into a Spaghetti Western Action-Comedy, read on...
Before the film begins properly, they make sure to thank Hong Kong for allowing them to film there.  Yes, this is still a Spaghetti Western.
Our hero- Not D'Artagnan- is a grown man and finally wants to go off and..um, do something.  He has no major motivation- i.e. dead relative, tragedy, etc.- so he just goes.
To give you an idea of what kind of movie this is, this fight ends in a pie fight.  No, really.
In the Mexican town for his mission, our hero is attacked by two twin assassins.  Sadly, this goes absolutely nowhere for the sake of 'comedy.'
In one of the few moments that's from the story, our hero gets in a fight w/ all four 'Musketeers' to unite them.

The most interesting part: George Eastman is one of the Musketeers.  Yes, the star of Porno Holocaust is in this comedy.  Ew.
 The film takes a weird turn as ownership of a Carriage full of gold ends up in a Chinese Chop Shop.  Yeah, this totally seems like it matches the rest of the film.

If you ever wanted to see George Eastman in a Kung-Fu fight though, this movie is for you!
Believe it or not, the climax- after about three double-crosses- involves this guy.  Seriously, what's up with this guy?!?
You'll never believe it, but this film's climax involves a big fight on the train...with clowns.  Seriously, this happens!
After solving all of the film's problems, our heroes ride off into a sequel.  Well, the people that made this sure thought that there would be  anyways.

*One IMDB search later* Nope, no sequel.  The End.
Yeah, this is as dumb as it sounds.  Before you think too much of me, let me make this clear: I like comedy.  I love Slapstick films like Top Secret! and Airplane.  That said: this movie is dumb.  It's really, really dumb.  It's 'have a pie fight' in your film dumb.  It's 'have a fight with a bunch of clowns' dumb.  There's a scene where Not Porthos pounds on that round-headed German guy's head, knocking it down into his neck.  Why?  How?  Huh?  On top of that, the plot is a mess.  If you just wanted to be silly, why have Not D'Artagnan lead the other 'Musketeers' away and abandon them in the field?  Why have him fall for the woman's tricks and later tie her up on the train?  Seems less than wacky to me.  Throw in George 'I was also in Erotic Nights of the Living Dead' Eastman and you have a confusingly-wacky film to me.  In the End, this is a movie that some people will probably like, but I certainly didn't.  Like most 'bad comedies,' it was a chore to get through.  Random kung-fu fights do not make this film enjoyable.  This helped a bit though...
Next up, a TV movie that plays with the Musketeers narrative.  Will this one be too long or just right?  Stay tuned...

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